Academy Awards 2013 -- The People

The People

I've said this before: it's hard to like these people.  They are beautiful but vapid.  They simultaneously want you to think about them in every waking moment, but to also avert your eyes when they cross the street.  They are artists who also need to question the intelligence of every jury when a convicted criminal might evoke the least bit of sympathy.  They latch onto false causes like "vaccinations cause autism" because their publicists tell them it will be good for their "Q score".  Fuckers.  So let's spend a Sunday celebrating celebrity!

Here's a guy you can get behind.  Kevin O'Connell is a 56-year-old guy from Long Island.  He has been nominated for 20 (count 'em, twenty) Oscars for Sound Editing.  Know how many he's won?  Zero.  That's right -- this guy is the Academy's Susan Lucci.

And he seems like a really nice guy.  He says "Golly" without irony!  In 1996, he was nominated twice -- for The Rock and Twister -- and lost to The English Patient.  The English Patient?!?  That movie where the formerly good looking guy sits around festering in his wounds for 3 1/2 hours and still gets laid?  How does that merit better Sound Editing than Twister -- there were flying cows.  FLYING COWS!  He got the perfect mix of mooing, high-speed winds and Bill Paxton yelling "Hold on!"  You could hear the bovine fear as Bessie flew past the pick-up truck.  Maybe he was punished because we could still hear Jami Gertz speak.



Are you telling me that the voters are that discerning about Sound?  That in each and every one of those 20, there was something deficient about the signal-to-noise ratio or too much emphasis on 1KHz frequencies?!?  Please, let's get him to engineer sound in a Spielberg movie, starring Meryl Streep as a former prostitute with a heart of gold who meets an emancipated slave who rescues a small child from poverty, survives Hurricane Katrina, travels back in time to kill Hitler, then reveals himself as a learning-disabled gay man.  We're with you Kevin -- 1 for 21!  1 for 21!

Best Actress

People Trivia (read to the bottom for answers -- come on, we both know you're not going to read to the bottom on your own!):

1)  1982 was the strangest year for "Best" performer awards.  It was the only time in history three of the nominees had done the same thing in their films.  What was it?

2) What woman was nominated 35 times, winning 8 statues?  (Hint: it's not Meryl Streep).

Emmanuelle Riva, Amour -- She dreamt of being an actress since the age of 6, but didn't get her first Oscar nomination until the age of 85?  Quvenzhane Wallis says "dans ta face, vieille salope!"

Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook -- I am completely biased in this category.  My daughter and I don't agree on a lot in pop culture, but we both like Jennifer (Deidre being influenced much more by Hunger Games).  I liked Lawrence in Winters Bone, but she was covered in muck most of that movie.  She looked cute at the Oscars two years ago, but A) she was a teenager and B) she was blonde.  Now she plays a 20-something, oversexed brunette from Philadelphia?  My wife used to be all three of those things!  You get my vote (but ya don't need to be obnoxious about it.)

Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty -- Are CIA spooks really this good looking?  A flock of this kind of spy roaming around the Middle East would do a lot more to end terrorism than drone strikes.  

Naomi Watts, The Impossible -- Impossible to say anything critical if you didn't see the movie.  I'd solicit comments, but you didn't see it either.  Naomi Watts fun fact: she was voted the 14th Sexiest Female Movie Star in the Australian Empire Magazine.  Couldn't even make the Bakers' Dozen?!?  Pass.

Quvenzhane Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild -- Not a big fan of kids who work for a living.  Something about the type of adult they usually turn out to be.  But this little girl was compelling.  Our daughter, Deidre, was in a musical at age 5.  But her lines were "uh, uh" and "I'm not scared"; and the fatherly abuse was limited to "do your homework...stand up straight".  Still, no hardware for Deidre, no hardware for Quvenzhane.

Best Actor

People Trivia, continued:

3) What living man was nominated the most times (at 45!)?  (Walt Disney was the most nominated individual with 48).

Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook -- He played just the right amount of off-center.  You yelled at the screen when you saw him working against his own interests; you rooted for him to get the girl -- the right girl; he was a victim, but also guilty.  It was brilliant.  But Pat Solitano is not on Mount Rushmore.  No statue (and no whining -- people take you seriously now -- after Hangover III, you might've wound up in Jon Lovitz Land).  

Denzel Washington, Flight -- It's old-hat to play an Oscar-worthy drunk, but Denzel's character is really about truth.  It was a brilliant performance that was only possible thanks to the character played by you-know-who.

Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables -- Who knew he could sing (or maybe it's not a strength, but by comparison to Russell Crowe, he sounded like Pavarotti)?  Nice job.  No gold.

Joaquin Phoenix, The Master -- this guy's siblings are named Rain, River, Summer and Liberty.  What happened to that theme?  A momentary lack of creativity?  At least he's better looking than Liberty.  

Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln -- First of all, we should add the "Ian McShane Brits Play Americans Better Than Americans" award:

Lewis channels Lincoln so effectively that we are sure we're listening to the real Honest Abe.  Spielberg admitted Lewis was intimidated playing our most beloved president, and rightly so.  But DDL's performance as an historic figure is topped only by Streep's coverage of Julia Child and Margaret Thatcher (and, there, only because we were familiar with the real characters as our contemporaries).  This is one for the ages.

Best Supporting Actress

Hollywood likes to pat itself on the back for being forward-thinking, enlightened.  Hattie McDaniel won this category in 1939, decades before the Civil Rights movement.  George Clooney got impassioned about it in his acceptance speech for Syriana in 2006:

"…we are the ones…this Academy, this group of people gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters. "

But did you know that Hattie, herself, was sitting at the back of the theater?  The Coconut Grove Hotel was still segregated when the dinner took place.  Oh, and her contract with David O. Selznick specifically limited her to playing maids or servants on screen.  Don't strain your arm reaching for your back, Hollywood.  BTW, if you want to see a graceful -- and brief -- acceptance speech, check this out:

Sally Field, Lincoln -- She allegedly put on 20 pounds to play the more portly Mary Todd Lincoln?  Uh, you were wearing giant 19th century dresses with hoop skirts, so who could tell (or was this just campaigning?  Come on...we expect better from our Nun, flying or otherwise).

Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook -- I liked her performance very much, but Oscar-worthy or reflected glory from DiNiro and Lawrence?  She was terrific in Animal Kingdom.  Just good here.

Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables -- Did you know that Prostitute is the most commonly nominated role in Best Supporting Actress?  This is the 18th time a prostitute was nominated (vs. 15 for nuns).

Amy Adams, The Master -- Except for The Fighter, I find Amy Adams' performances cloying.  In this case, I didn't find it at all -- as The Master wasn't playing anywhere in the hemisphere in which I live.

Helen Hunt, The Sessions -- Somebody decided to take their body out for a spin before she hits 50.  No complaints, here.  She's no Jennifer Lawrence, but I wouldn't kick Helen Hunt out of bed (mostly because I'd be in handcuffs on my way to jail for breaking into her bedroom).  The shame was that John Hawkes didn't get a nomination for this movie.  But having Helen Hunt talk about sex as if it were assembling an Ikea dresser made up for it.

Best Supporting Actor

Choosing this space to mention not only the all-time best Oscar trivia question, but one of the best trivia questions ever:  What actor only appeared in 5 films his entire career, but all 5 were nominated for Best Picture?  John Cazale (The Godfather; The Conversation; The Godfather II; Dog Day Afternoon; The Deer Hunter).  And you thought he was weak and stupid.

Robert Di Niro, Silver Linings Playbook -- Loved him in this role (and suspect he'll win, though he's not my choice).  I grew up knowing guys like this -- superstitious but self-assured; confident but worried; tough but tender-hearted.  I would like to watch an Iggles game with Pat, Sr.

Alan Arkin, Argo -- I loved him in this movie.  He was funny in Little Miss Sunshine, but this was even better.  He's hysterically funny, believably arrogant.  (Trivia: Arkin co-wrote Harry Belafonte's hit "Day-Oh".)  I suspect DiNiro will win, but I think Arkin is more deserving.

Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained -- A compelling performance that is the other side of the Col. Hans Landa coin from Inglorious Basterds.  Hard to criticize this guy, but this is not as original as the Arkin or DiNiro performances.  will be overlooked because of Bale's portrayal of Dickie Eklund.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman, The Master --  Love this guy, and genuinely annoyed I couldn't see the movie (and was completely distracted watching Les Miz while Sasha Baron Cohen was singing "Master of the House...")

Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln -- Doesn't this guy deserve something for wearing a merkin on his head for three hours?

Best Director

Steven Spielberg, Les Miserables -- You're going to need a bigger mantle.

Ang Lee, Life of Pi -- I am amazed that a guy who could make Brokeback Mountain could also do a wonderful job with this fantasy.  I'm also impressed that he would even try -- yes, CGI is very advanced today, but you have to make characters we can relate to.  Well done.

David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook --  Brilliant directing job on a rom-com with a story that is simultaneously serious and farcical.

Michael Haneke, Amour -- I am unfamiliar with his work, but will you look at this guy?  Looks like Christopher Lee just survived a concentration camp.  No way I'm saying anything negative about this doppelganger.






Behn Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild -- Really excellent performance for a first-time director at age 30.  Maybe there's hope for that first book at age...oh, nevermind.  

Trivia Answers:

1) 1982 featured three Actor noms who played cross-dressers, all of whom should have won but did not (Dustin Hoffman for Tootsie; John Lithgow for The World According to Garp; and Julie Andrews, nominated for Victor/Victoria as a payback for not being nominated for S.O.B.  Mary Poppins shows her breasts, she should get nominated.  Kathy Bates got a nom this way and no one wanted to see her naked).

2) Edith Head, costume designer, was nominated 35 times, winning 8 statues.  Don't you think it caused confusion in the day of the casting couch, having a director yell "Get me Head!"?

3) John Williams has been nominated 45 times (and won 5) for score.  He did every Spielberg movie except Twilight Zone (I'm sure he was relieved) and The Color Purple (too white, perhaps?).  He also did the theme to 60s TV show Lost In Space and played the famous piano line on Henry Mancini's Peter Gunn theme.  When it comes to a memorable melody, this guy makes Paul McCartney look like Ringo.

Also, did you know:

40 of the 50 oldest nominees ever have occurred in the last 30 years?  I don't know what this means -- better health in seniors?  Or poorer prospects for retirement?