Homemade Condiments

May 28, 2010

Why, you ask? Why not, the fat man smarmily retorts (or is it "smarmishly"? Perhaps "the smarmy, fat man"...yeah, that's what I am.)

We ran out of ketchup. That most basic of Reagan-era vegetables that our kids are once again permitted to consume now that we've found one without high fructose corn cyanide.

It shouldn't be a family crisis, but we have three children. Those of you who were also stupid enough to venture beyond the recommended 1.6 children know what this means -- one of them must be a fuss pot. In our case, it's the middle girl
and, in her case, she's a giant fuss pot. She orders her food in restaurants as "clean" (i.e., without sauces or garnishes of any kind). She likes blueberries and she likes pancakes but she won't even consider blueberry pancakes. The piece of resistance -- she's a girl and she despises chocolate. This is a foreign to me as the infield at a Nascar event.

Knowing all of this background, my wife is furious that I would go shopping and miss replenishing such a basic staple.

"I'm sorry, I forgot"

"You remembered to BREATHE didn't you? You can remember THAT! Selfish."

I'm in it deep. As in a pit. Hopping in the car and running to Kings (as in "priced to sell to royalty") doesn't get me out of this hole and more affordable Shop Rite is 7 miles each way. I'm seconds away from getting the hose again, even if I DO rub the lotion on my skin.
Creativity is my only salvation. I've already been making our own mayonnaise with great success (except that it's awfully tempting while it's in there -- my new blog handle might be Mr. Creosote), so why not ketchup?

The proper way to do this is to simmer and puree fresh tomatoes, but this requires time. I claim that the real Jersey tomatoes (Ramapos or Rutgers) with the acidity/sugar ratio at 0.3%/3% or better are not available now, so I'll use cans of tomato paste from the pantry. This is, of course, laziness in a bullshit wrapper, but Contadina it is.

So What of Ketchup?

Ketchup (from the Malay word kecap) started as a fish sauce. In fact, we wouldn't even recognize it. It would've been dark, much more savory and have no hint of sweetness (the typical sugar/vinegar balance we have come to think of as central to ketchup didn't evolve until the 19th century). Original ancestors of our beloved red thickness would have been made with mushrooms and walnuts. In our country's culinary calamity, however, it would become overly sweet and loaded with chemicals. It caused Hal Boyle, a war correspondent, to write in 1951, "This country is held together by a democratic constitution and a cement paste called ketchup."

Some weird facts about ketchup:

• Nixon put it on cottage cheese (and we elected this guy president twice?!? Sheesh!)
• Ketchup was proscribed as medicine in the 1830s
• Heinz produced dyed ketchups in the early 'naughts, in such unappetizing hues as green, blue and purple. Predictably, and to the chagrin of the producers of carcinogen Blue Dye #83, it was pulled from the market after a brief, colorful stint.
  
• The Republicans were so worried about John Kerry's connection to Heinz ketchup that they launched their own brand called "W Ketchup". You can't make this sh#@ up.
• In the chariot race scene in Ben Hur, a small red car is visible in the background.*

The Recipe:

4 cans Tomato Paste

1 Tbsp Onion Powder

1 Tbsp Garlic Powder

1 Tsp Ground Cinnamon

1/4 Tsp Ground Allspice

1/4 Tsp Ground Cloves

1 Tsp Celery Seeds

1/2 Cup Brown Sugar

1/2 Cup Red Wine Vinegar

Salt to taste

Combine all ingredients and refrigerate over night. Correct seasonings, serve and accept compliments.

Mayonnaise

Nouvelle cuisine was supposed to be the death knell for white sauces like mayo. Henri Gault and Christian Millau wrote the Ten Commandments of Nouvelle Cuisine in 1976. Number 7? "Thou shalt eliminate white and brown sauces". But mayonnaise has the benefit of being absolutely delicious on its own and the basis for hundreds of other sauces (aioli, remoulade,sauce verde, rouille, anyone?) I may be part Belgian as I prefer my fries dipped in mayo to ketchup (and, yes, I am never more than 5 miles from a cardiologist).

Mayonnaise Trivia:

• Jennifer Aniston's favorite meal is mayonnaise on white bread. No wonder she's permanently single.
• In Japan, a pizza topping of squid, bacon, potatoes and mayonnaise is very popular.
• Mayonnaise is the only effective way to get crayon marks off wood furniture.
• The spelling 'mayonnaise' is the result of a printing error in an 1841 cookbook (the original name was 'mahonnaise'.
• No one knows the true origin of mayonnaise
• It is the oldest of the five "mother" sauces in French cooking (along with bechamel)

Once you've had homemade mayonnaise, however, you will shun the jarred stuff.

The Recipe:

2 Egg Yolks

1 Tbsp Dijon Mustard

1 3/4 Cups Soybean Oil

1 Tbsp White Wine Vinegar

Salt and Pepper to taste

Whisk yolks together with mustard, salt and pepper.

Whisk in a droplet or two at a time until you've blended in 1/2 cup of the oil.

Drizzle (slowly) the remaining 1 1/4 cups of oil, whisking constantly.

After all oil has been absorbed, whisk in vinegar.

The Keys:

• Patience: it can take as long as 2o minutes to make two cups of mayo
• Strong wrists: Master of My Domain jokes, anyone?
• Room Temperature: bring all ingredients to room temp before starting

So a couple of things will happen when you switch to homemade condiments. First, you'll be shunned by society. Accept this price. You're reading this blog, so you're already a little off-center. Reactions to our homemade ketchup have ranged from "he has too much time on his hands" to "who does that?!?" Get them to eat it, however, and you'll get a little feeling that must've been what motivated people like Bocuse and Beard and Brillat-Savarin. Second, you'll become a snob about the most casual of foods. Embrace it. No one likes a snob, but everyone likes being a snob.

Memorial Day rolls around and I wanted to bring something different, in addition to the de rigueur bottle of wine. We bring the mayo and the ketchup to Chris and Tara's house. Chris' dad is in the "time" criticism camp, but he does enjoy the condiments as everyone seems to. Mission accomplished. Except:

...I still wind up losing and Little Fuss Pot still winds up teary-eyed. When she realizes I've given the homemade ketchup to our friends, she weeps "My ketchup! Gone, as mysteriously as it came."

* - True, this has nothing to do with condiments. But I stumbled across this stupid fact while researching this post and the next time I watch Ben Hur, I will be completely distracted looking for the red car. Now you will, too.

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Book Review -- "On Food and Cooking...The Science and Lore of The Kitchen" by Harold McGee"

This book changed our lives. Seriously. This is a combination history, science and social studies book. Want to know why so many different foods come from milk? Perhaps you'd like to know that the word cocoa came to us through the Maya and Aztec from the word kakawa coined 3000 years ago. Ever had a kid ask "what's the difference between French Vanilla and regular Vanilla ice cream?" and not had an answer at the ready? Do you find yourself watching "Breaking Bad" and wishing you paid more attention in chemistry class? This book fixes all of that and more.

It is organized into 15 chapters:

1: Milk and Dairy
2: Eggs
3: Meat
4: Fish and Shellfish
5: Edible Plants
6: A Survey of Common Vegetables
7: A Survey of Common Fruits
8: Flavorings from Plants: Herbs and Spices, Tea and Coffee
9: Seeds: Grains, Legumes, and Nuts
10: Cereal Doughs and Batters: Bread, Cakes, Pastry, Pasta
11: Sauces
12: Sugars, Chocolate, and Confectionary
13: Wine, Beer, and Distilled Spirits
14: Cooking Methods and Utensil Materials
15: The Four Basic Food Molecules

Each of the chapters is chock full of tables to compare herbs; aromas; shelf-life of staples; etc. There are callouts throughout with interesting little snippets (like comments from cookbooks over 2000 years old; or what to do if you eat too much wasabi). The writing is interesting enough to merit reading it without a specific cooking agenda and I grab it often (though, for some reason, my wife is more troubled by me taking THIS book into the bathroom than others...sorry, family issue).

Here is the big revelation for my family: this book changed the way we approach both cooking and education for our children. We have a third-grader, a kindergartner and a pre-schooler. They love cooking (and have their own aprons and kid-friendly implements). Each of their schools has assigned "food" homework (Mexican appetizers for Cinco de Mayo; Native American foods; etc.) Now, before any cooking occurs, we break out this book and research all of the ingredients and methods we use. For the third-grader, it ties in her math work (the differences between English and Metric systems; weighing food vs. measuring volume), her science work (esters, enzymes) and social studies (the relation of food to culture). When we combine disciplines like this, we find our childrens' retention is much higher (as well as their energy level while "studying"). The school developed a cross-discipline program called "Quest". One of the assignments was "Gross Foods with Fancy Names". The children researched things like how gooey foods get their consistency; where food colorings come from; and how we learned to use different parts of animals for different cooking purposes. For all I know, one of the teachers bought On Food... and got the idea from Harold McGee. Our third-grader was blown away that she knew what rennet was, what it was used for and where it came from when her Quest team explored cheese. This book is almost never on the kitchen book shelf -- it is constantly in use by someone in our family.

Jason Epstein's comment in the Times is the definitive one: "Indispensable".

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Pratique de Base -- Lessons 5 and 6

Lesson 5 -- April 4-5, 2010

We get off to a bad start because I break a fundamental rule: never send anyone shopping for you. Donna hits a wall quickly as Kings has no whiting or trout (see Cassoulet de Poissons below). I give her several alternative suggestions and the guy working the counter tells her "you know there's a big difference between tilapia and whiting, right?" She'd better love this dish.

Summer Harvest Salad -- Artichokes! I now know why I should have considered myself lucky in avoiding working with them for all these years. This is a mean-ass plant! The spikes on the end of these leaves defend themselves to the last (in clean-up the next morning, I am stabbed again from hell's heart by an artichoke burr hiding on the floor). But my wife loves them. It garnered me nothing (save the gratitude of an aging but still cute woman and half a dozen holes in my hands) but it was tasty. The big improvement here is in my mayonnaise-making skill. I've been working this concoction for years, but for some reason became hooked on blender mayo. This time, attempting to be faithful to the book, I go back to hand-made. Wow, it's clearly better! And my track record of blender mayo, no disrespect to my wonderous Cuisinart high capacity pureeinator, is 50-50. Half of the attempts separated. I do the whisk-work and am reminded that I can do this successfully 100% of the time. Now, it's wrist-breaking work, but as someone who has been working his right hand on a steady regimen since age 13, I am up to the task (sorry for the reference in the middle of a mayo discussion).
Fish and Bean Stew -- I substitute black-eyed peas for great northern white beans. A deft use of a pantry item, but a mistake as these beans shed and break up under heavy cooking. As the tilapia also breaks up, I wind up with some sludge. Very tasty, though. Deidre likes it. Andre loves it. LFP was a no-show. We get lots of leftovers and I freeze four portions (an update will come after the thaw).

Sponge Cake with Creme Anglaise -- I am keeping my commitment to dessert. It keeps the Fuss Pots engaged with my cooking exploits, if not bought into every production. This one goes over like a sister-kiss
Time: 4 hours Complexity: 10 (of 10) Cost: $76.59 Mess: 9


Lesson 6


Onion Tart -- delicious, and a double winner. The first win is that four of the five of us love it. The second: my wife is now convinced that our friend, who recently made a similar dish, used a store-bought crust. It's a rare feat to get a victory from a couple of jagged, overbaked edges. This keeps nicely in the fridge and would be a good choice for Donna's future luncheon meetings where she needs food she pretended to make for her fellow charity moms and board members. The crust was slightly overworked.



Mussels with Wine and Cream Sauce -- deferred.


Vanilla Bavarian Cream with Coulis -- (substituted blueberries we have in the freezer for raspberries called for in the book). This came out perfectly. I used a small spring pan and got a beautiful looking, delicate tasting dessert. Even LFP loves this one, though my attempts to get her to mix in blueberries (which she loves separately) fail. Some future therapist is going to have a yacht from the fees this kid will have to pay.


Time: 3 hours Complexity: 5 (of 10) Cost: $40 Mess: 6

Happy 50th Anniversary, Norma and Anthony

May 30, 1960



Though it predates my existence by 28 months, the first half of 1960 was a seminal time for me. Events were unfolding that would alter the world permanently:

• John F. Kennedy was on his way to winning the presidency of the United States.
• A race riot broke out at the normally tranquil Newport Jazz Festival.
• The Cold War was many degrees north of chill.

The world would never be the same again. Race Relations would become a permanent part of the American lexicon. Spheres of Influence would drive governments to do things that, in retrospect, just look stupid. Perhaps there is some poetry in the fact that Emily Post, the Queen Mother of politeness, died this year.


But the impact on my life and the lives of my family was even greater. Best friend Michael was born in March. And, even more importantly, Anthony Angelo Tursi married Norma Marie Esposito.

This is a classic couple who fill each other's voids. Norma is the Yin to Anthony's Yang. They support one another in the way you would expect a loving couple to do, but they also balance each other. She is high energy, he is a controlled burn. She is turbo-charged acceleration, he is cruise control. Norma is naturally caffeinated. Anthony is herbal tea. He is the tortoise to her hare, but it's not a competition -- together they have won every major challenge they've faced.


Some photos and observations as we reflect on their remarkable (first) 50 years:

Anthony was a handsome young man. (Notice the upolstery of the day -- polyethylene.)





Norma was a cute tomato...and thanks, Mom, for passing that body on to your daughters ; )



They made (and continue to make) an elegant, classy couple.

Here's a shot from 1957 at the Jersey Shore. Nice guns for an accountant, Dad!


No moss grows on Norma. As beautiful and nostalgic as that muscle photo on the beach may be, when a pudding recipe came her way, the back of the picture had to be sacrificed. A word to the wise -- don't sit still around Mom...you could find yourself inside her vacuum cleaner bag or in a box in the basement.

They started their relationship where they grew up -- the Italian Market section of South Philly. They lived atop Attilio Esposito's Meats (Norma's family's store, founded by her father):

Dad respects Mom's parenting of the four girls, even when the transactions work against their long term interest (as seen here, Mom is shaking youngest daughter Carol's hand, agreeing to cook for her for life):

Mom holds Dad in the highest esteem -- for example, she has always complimented him on his elevator summoning and other hotel/casino navigation skills.

For all of the challenges they faced in working, making a home, raising the girls, they always made time to focus on their relationship. Here they are renewing their wedding vows in 1985:

Like any couple, through the years there was some abuse -- witness this hairdo Mom forced Dad to wear on a cruise:

On the boardwalk in Ocean City, Anthony had better be smiling, sitting with three beautiful girls in the summer time! Of course, this belies the pain they both went through when all four girls were dating (Dad's only comment to me about this time in their relationship was "Parade of idiots"...of course, I have always assumed that the parade ended before I marched into Donna's life)

In a more elegant time, a very elegant couple. They could pass for Hollywood royalty:

Dad was not a slave to fashion, but he willingly went along with the trends of the day. Unfortunately, the cameras during the leisure suit era continued to function normally:

Here they are in the '60s in Ocean City, NJ. Mom was kind enough to put a foot on the pedal for this picture so that future generations would believe she helped pedal.

This is one of my favorite shots of them -- a shared smile that says everything about their relationship: the fun they shared, the inherent trust:

You gave me gifts I can never adequately thank you for; imparted happiness I can only hope to pass on to others; created a debt that I can never repay. Without you, there would be no Deidre, no Alaina, no Christopher and no Brandon. Andre would be living in Russia, hoping that someone would care for him. And my life would have no purpose. We respect you deeply and love you intensely and we always will. Happy 50th Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

Pratique de Base -- Lessons 3 and 4

Lesson 3

Gratin of Hard-Boiled Eggs -- one of the oldest recipes known in France (cookbook claims there are copies from the 17th century), this is simple and elegant. The problem is that my family has preconceived notions about eggs -- what they should look like, when to eat them, etc. Their closed minds meant my intake went up (along with my cholesterol). Delicious, but not even The Boy liked them.
Poached Swordfish with Pearl Onions and Mushrooms -- A variation on the veal chop recipe (my concession to Donna's insistence that we limit meat intake). This is delicious! BFP pushed aside the pearl onions, but loved the 'shrooms and fish. Donna and Andre loved the whole thing. It was fabulous. LFP was a no-show.
Time: 3.5 hours Complexity: 6 (of 10) Cost: $76.59* Mess: 7**

Lesson 4

Smoked Salmon Crepes -- Wow! A big winner all the way around. Macerating the salmon (soaking in milk for 2 hours) made it really tender and less "fishy". Disclaimer: I am intensely annoyed by the non-specific complaint "it's too fishy". When's the last time someone complained that a t-bone was "too meaty". It's a stupid comment that should die a quick and unhonored death. However, this maceration method will help certain people with the designation FP (Fuss Pot) transition into more fish consumption. LFP ate the plain (but homemade and nicely prepared) crepes. For the rest, it cut like a sushi roll. A big winner that should be repeated. Leftovers were (nearly) equally good. Update: Deidre has made this dish the buzz of Mendham Township Elementary School, Grade 3. Julia Neihoff tells Deidre: "I hate salmon, but I want to try it!" Confidence is low.

Roast Leg of Lamb -- Another bastardized recipe (hey, no one in France is actually reading this -- which reminds me: Deidre, Alaina and their friend Grace Shin call me "Uncle Fritz" for reasons which escape/do not interest me. Andre looks at me and says "Hi, Uncle France!" Ok, I'm Uncle France.) I used a yogurt marinade (Donna gets an endorphin rush when I use already purchased ingredients from the 'fridge), including thyme, oregano, garlic, marjoram, lemon juice and sliced onions. Will definitely do this again, but four hours was not enough -- this is what will now be referred to as a Spitzer -- it's an overnighter. Convection roasted it for about 50 minutes (6 lb. leg) and it came very rare.

Swiss Chard Gratin -- Another surprise winner! First time cooking chard -- it's expensive (about $8 for two servings for the family). Difficult to work with the white part (it's stringy and needs to cook a while) but the greens, after blanching, baked up deliciously. I screwed up by layering too much gruyere cheese (12 ounces, grated) thinking that would be a selling camouflage for the kids. Turns out they would've been fine with half that much. Good for leftovers.

Chocolate Mousse with Hazelnuts and Whisky -- (substituted for Pineapple Sorbet, as I find non-machine-made ice creams and sorbets to be slushy ice baths...the kids enjoyed fresh cut pineapple much more than they would have liked the sorbet). I need to work on this one -- sugar did not dissolve properly. I skipped the hazelnuts (forgot to buy them) and that would have covered up the crunchy granules of sugar. Kids were ok w/it, but it wasn't ready for a more sophistimacated palate. Oh, and I was out of whisky, so I used dark rum instead. It was a good substitute.
Time: 3 hours Complexity: 5 (of 10) Cost: $62.65 Mess: 7*

*- Why do roast pans with drippings drive Donna crazy? And what possesses me to leave them crusting on the counter until the next day...every time?!?

Non-Lesson Meal

Grilled Swordfish (marinated in soy sauce, garlic, ginger, sesame oil and olive oil) -- wonderful! 5 minutes/side undercooked the fish...needed about 7 minutes/side to do the trick on the giant Weber grill.

Hamburgers -- again, a freezer leftover item that just sent Donna into happyland that we used it. I could smell the estrogen from across the room (but it resulted in nothing as I ruined the romantic mood by making her watch Hurt Locker...big Pollack dummy).
First day this year we were able to eat outside. Deidre and I had planned an April Fools joke to play on Donna (telling her I was taking a job in Taipei and she should start learning to speak Mandarin now...Deidre was ready to say "wo bu mingbai" -- I don't understand...Donna's key foreign language phrase) but we didn't get it done. I substituted with a trick on Deidre -- she cut her toe and I put a giant bandage on it, covered it with a plastic bag and told her she had to hold it up in the air all night. I even offered to get rope and tie it to the ceiling light in their room to help. She fell for it, but said afterward she was humiliated. She has such a good heart, she can't believe anyone would ever lie to her. I am a bad person.

Pratique de Base

Pratique de Base?!? Sounds like something I should've done as a kid if I wanted steady work in bar bands.

Lesson 1

• Cucumber Salad with Mint -- this is the hit of the meal! Surprisingly, the whole family enjoys this simple dish. The only planning required is salting and draining the cucumbers. Fresh mint allows my "anti-mint" wife to enjoy the dish without her ingredient affectation rearing its ugly head (stereotype alert: this appears to be a very Italian trait -- see Thrifty Fifty post on garlic and cilantro).
• Roast Chicken -- I've gotten very comfortable with roasts over the last decade. Three keys to success here: 1) know your oven. Too many people assume "425F for 12 minutes/pound" is a universal directive. That's like saying "buy her a drink and tell her she's got a nice a*@" to get lucky. Ovens, their installation/insulation and the size/shape of the items you put in them introduce variations that inevitably lead to overcooked food. Get an oven thermometer, a meat thermometer and practice. 2) Don't rely on {in pompous PBS-produced cooking show voice} "when the fleshiest part of the poultry reads 170F, it is done". Yup. In fact, it was done half an hour ago and will be at a gravy-evaporating 185F by the time people eat it. Get accustomed to pulling roasts out early and testing. Think of it as desirable premature ecookulation. When a chicken is at 160F, it will cook through on the counter while the juices return to the meat. 3) Brine. Briny briny brine. OK, Le Cordon Bleu doesn't call for brining chicken. Screw them. Brine the bitch. It is easy, doesn't cost much and only requires a little advanced planning (in this case, a 6-pound Perdue Oven Stuffer Roaster required only 4 hours in the salt bath).
• Spring Peas with Lettuce, Chervil and Onions -- ok, just because it's 39F outside and raining, we're pretending it's spring vegetable time. Again, this went over surprisingly well, though LFP and BFP (Little Fuss Pot, aka Alaina and Big Fuss Pot, aka Deidre) pushed the pearl onions aside. And that after I painstakingly peeled 3 dozens of the little bastards...the onions, not the fuss pots.

Time: 2.5 hours Complexity: 3 (of 10) Cost: $37.28 Mess: 3

Lesson 2

• Country-Style Vegetable Soup with Noodles -- wow! First time I'm cooking with cabbage
  as a main ingredient and realizing I've misunderstood this smelly beauty all these years (feel this way about several women I know as well). Thinly sliced, blanched, sauteed then boiled with the homemade stock, this stuff comes sweet and tender. Even the fuss pots (save FP extraordinaire, Alaina) love it! Used Contadina dried vermicelli to put in the soup (half a pound) but should have cut it in fourths instead of in half. Lots of tableside mess while we tried to cut down the brothy pasta into some size that was manageable.
• Veal Scallops with Apples and Calvados -- the baked apples (used golden delicious) was a big hit. Will think about making desserts around this aromatic, simple dish in the future. Everyone loves the veal (even Donna "Eat Right for Your Aging Blood Type" Thompson). Of course, as with so many things, we have to call it "steak" to get the kids to eat it. I think when we take them to the dentist, we'll call it "lunch at Morton's" in the future. Had trouble finding calvados in the liquor store, but it's a nice addition. Thought I'd thrill the kids by flaming it on the stove and Deidre screamed bloody murder (dragging the other two down with her). I grumbled something stupid about never doing anything fun for them again (why didn't they think of me potentially burning the house down as fun?!?) and got on with the meal.
• Caramel Custard -- this is a clear attempt to move outside my comfort zone (yes, I bring tired business cliches to the kitchen -- get used to it...I'm several months away from a diet and exercise regimen that will be called "rightsizing"). I typically don't do dessert. When guests come and insist on bringing something, I feign "just bring an appetite" before I tell them to bring a dessert. The problem is, with time constraints, health crazes and general American laziness, everyone goes to the store to buy dessert (and not even a bakery these days, people go to Kings for dessert -- yes, I'm aware they make desserts on the premises, but my snobbery forces me to look down on this practice). The Custard goes exceedingly well. I have used a bain marie before, so I'm ok with this (even though I am criticized for not using the hot water feature on our Poland Spring water dispenser -- I am so appalled at this hypocrisy in my tree-hugging approach to life that I pretend it's not there...except when I need a cold drink of water, of course...in which case I grumble something about my wife forcing me to do this and I chug it down). I use my creme brulee dishes -- first time they've had a dessert in them, even though they were purchased during a Chef Central splurge about 6 years ago -- which gets me a snide "'bout time" from the Unnecessary Expense Police. I make one without caramel for LFP, but she still doesn't bite. BFP puts up an argument about caramel until I show her what it is (sugar and water). In my fustication with BFP, I let the caramel cool too long in the pan and make stained glass
  instead of caramel. I have to reheat the image of the Virgin Mary that I've created and get it into the dishes. This is a serious imposition on my blustering (an important part of cooking), but I get the dish right. Delicious! I'm back in the dessert game.

Time: 3.5 hours Complexity: 6 (of 10) Cost: $71.15* Mess: 7**

*-The creme brulee dishes killed me here -- a full cycle through the dishwasher, then hand-washed, 2 minutes/dish.

**-Though there are no veal or custard leftovers, we have two full soup meals and stock chicken left over, so -- veal costs aside -- this is not as expensive as it first appears.

Le Cordon Bleu at Home

Part One -- The Easy Stuff

Nothing original here -- having seen Julie and Julia, I realized one weakness in my cooking armour is documentation. I often surprise myself and forget what/how later. More egregious, I make mistakes and repeat them because I am compelled by my nature to have "oh shit" moments that recur like Groundhog Day.

The Le Cordon Bleu at Home cookbook is organized into entire meals that intend to assist the amateur cook in learning basic skills then building on them. My ego insists that I point out that I learned many of these basic skills from Jim Mandio (and the "other Jim" whose name now escapes my addled brain) back in the 1980s. The two Jims were both edumacated at CIA, cooked at the Sheraton in Bordentown (now a Ramada Inn) with me. Sunday's were a borefest until dinner time, so much free instruction (as well as unauthorized consumption) occurred. This is my systematic attempt to formalize what I have been doing for decades.

2010 Academy Awards -- The Movies

N.B. I am dispensing with the pictures to denote my selections and what I believe will be the Academy's choices. I will instead highlight titles in red to indicate my preferences. The picture of Khaled refuses to shrink down to icon size -- funny how a set of zeroes and ones can take on the personality of the represented individual.



Best Original Screenplay


This is clearly the most underrated of Oscar categories (with apologies to John Bailey and the rest of the balding, overpriced sound mixing world).

• The Hurt Locker (Mark Boal) -- Finally, something creative about Iraq (with apologies to the entertaining Three Kings). This script focuses on people in an impossible situation and the way they handle it (and themselves). I am pulling for Inglorious Basterds, but would not be at all surprised if this won.
  



• The Messenger (Alessandro Camon and Oren Moverman) -- What happened with this movie? 10 nominations for Best Picture and this is left off?!? Yes, I readily admit having a soft spot for movies filmed in NJ and particularly with scenes near our house, but this truly was a wonderful film. The characters develop from what seem to be hard stereotypes at the beginning to complex, difficult individuals you can sympathize with at the end. There are a range of moments: laugh-out-loud; cringe; discomfort; tears. It was distributed in limited release (it hasn't even cleared $1MM in box office) and not properly promoted. I even think Ben Foster deserved a Best Actor nod ahead of Clooney. One of three clear sleepers of the year, along with District 9 and In the Loop.
  



• A Serious Man (Joel Coen and Ethan Coen) -- A typical Coen Brothers film, which is to say, this is unlike other things you've seen. A brilliant, off-beat story. If you loved The Blind Side, this might not be for you, but a deserved nod here.




• Up (Bob Peterson, Pete Docter and Tom McCarthy) -- Best story in the animation space since The Lion King. The first 20 minutes of Up are as moving as any picture of the last five years. A real surprise.




• Inglorious Basterds (Quentin Tarantino) -- This is my pick and should win. It is always a risk to take well known historical events and completely twist them, but this was well thought out. Unpredictable and consistently entertaining.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Aka "taking credit for someone else's work". Didn't this almost get me thrown out of college (sorry, George -- I thought you'd fall into the "imitation is the sincerest form of" something or another that would've permitted me to get a decent grade for imitating a manual Xerox machine)? Yes, I get that a book is not dialogue, but puh-leeze -- the creativity was in the original thinking, no?

• An Education (Nick Hornby) -- I loved the movie, but this is Lolita. Let Nabokov rest in peace.



• Precious (Geoffrey Fletcher) -- Nah. This movie was all about acting and directing.



• Up in the Air (Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner) -- I genuinely enjoyed this movie, as anyone who has traveled for business would. No statue, though.



• In The Loop (Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Ianucci and Tony Roche) -- This movie is the reason to pay attention to the Screenplay categories (last year's evidence: In Bruges). Very clever, very funny. I laughed aloud more at this presentation than any other this year. James Gandolfini's in it and proves that, even without the accent and the wife-beater t-shirt, he's still Tony Soprano. The rest of the cast is stellar (Peter Capaldi should have been nominated for Best Supporting Actor ahead of Matt Damon; Anna Chlumsky is back -- remember the cute little kid from My Girl?) If you enjoy BBC comedy (see Yes, Minister), you'll love this movie.

District 9 (Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell) -- Blew me away. I expected Independence Day in South Africa and got a very different movie. Yes, there were aliens. Yes, there was a giant spaceship that hovers over a city. But this was a political/race-relations film. I desperately want this to win a major award, but I am prepared to be disappointed.

Best Picture

The World Series Ring of Oscars (f-ing Yankees....still stings). We save this one until last so that East Coast productivity is at its lowest on Monday morning (and those of us with Tivos can act smug...same reason we drive hybrids).


The Academy expanded (or, more correctly, returned) to 10 movies this year in a bald-faced attempt to get us to spend more scarce $$ on movies in a crappy economy. I'm out an additional $45 (plus salty snacks) so it seems I've been played like a cheap fiddle...again.

• A Serious Man -- An enjoyable movie, but not the Coen Brothers' best. In a year of 5 noms, it doesn't make the cut.



• Up in the Air -- A wonderful movie that doesn't belong in this category. Clearly an expansion winner.



• Inglorious Basterds -- The violence may put some people off, but this was an amazing movie. Should win for Screenplay. I am not a Brad Pitt fan (save his wonderful performance in 12 Monkeys) but thought he was great in this movie. Of course, he was completely overshadowed by Christoph Waltz.



• Up -- Great to see an animated picture get in here (two in 20 years -- Beauty and the Beast is the only other one. Still can't believe The Lion King didn't get a nod over Quiz Show.) It won't win (it did fall into a few animated film cliches) but it was a wonderful movie.



• The Blind Side -- I enjoyed this more than I expected to, thanks to a great performance from Sandra Bullock and a heartwarming true story. It almost fell apart when the real-life college football coaches had way too big a role (the cameos worked; the dialog with Nick Saban and Lou Holtz was nails on a chalkboard ). This movie feels out of place in a category with District 9, Hurt Locker, Precious and Basterds.

• An Education -- Yes, I said it was a Lolita clone (from a storyline perspective) but it was an amazing movie. Good production, good nomination.



• District 9 -- Clearly one of my favorites. It will fall short because of the sci-fi components, but this was a great story, wonderfully filmed and acted. You actually feel emotion for aliens who look like perambulatory crustaceans. It won't win, but it could.



• Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire and Unsuccessfully Trying to Create a New Category for Longest Movie Title -- Tough movie to watch, but truly creative (the fantasy scenes Precious uses to take herself out of the unbearable situations in her life were brilliant). I expected it to be a tear-jerker, but it was more cringe inducing. You find yourself pulling for Precious as if she were a good friend. It may win, but probably won't because no one is bold enough to put a crack addict on the screen in 3D yet.



• Hurt Locker -- Finally, a serious movie about Iraq that's not a documentary. It left the politics and moralizing aside (for the most part) and focused on the situation and the people. Brilliant. In a year when the King of His Own World is taking a break, this gets a statue (and I'm pulling for Katrhyn Bigelow to get a Directing statue).



• Avatar -- I'll admit it: I was enthralled with the technology. In 3D, it was absolutely amazing. But lots more movies are coming out with this technology and plenty of theaters have a permanent capability, so this will become fairly standard fare for certain productions. Take away that element, and it's just a good movie, not a great one. It definitely deserves a nom, but it won't (IMHO) deserve the statue it's going to take home in this category.
  
  

2010 Academy Awards -- People

Greetings, fellow movie fans. Many of you know my story -- I'm married to a beautiful, energetic and cultured woman who's first question about any movie is "How long is it?" So each winter's end, I run a solo gantlet that begins with the Oscar noms at the end of January and ends with the awards show this Sunday (March 7). Not quite March Madness, but perhaps Fatuous February?

Because I am long winded (an after affect of my problem with speeches -- loving my own voice), I have broken the comments into three posts:

• The People: Best and Supporting Actor Nominations, Best Director


• The Technology: Cinematography; Costumes and Sound; and that stuff that forces directors to have characters repeatedly walk around with lances pointed straight at the audience, no matter what century they're supposed to be in


• The Movies: Best Picture and Scripts

I will mark entries with my expectation of who will win and my personal choice

The fun in this is not hearing the sound of my own keystrokes, but your dissent, so I'm looking forward to hearing new and different reasons that I'm an uninformed idiot. Let's have at it:

The People

Best Actor

• Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart -- Alright, this was The Wrestler for country music fans (and NOT filmed in Jersey). But Bridges was awesome. So much so, that I'd be loathe to buy him a real drink for fear that we saw a glimpse of his real life.
• George Clooney, Up in the Air -- I became a huge Clooney fan after his brooding performance in Michael Clayton and he made me laugh out loud in Burn After Reading. This performance was not up to those levels.
• Colin Firth, A Single Man -- I enjoyed his performance in Love Actually (yes, I admit it -- I like that movie) but it gave no inkling he had these chops. And, no, it's not because he kissed another man on screen. He did a ton of communicating with sparse dialog. Excellent!
• Morgan Freeman, Invictus -- I'm a huge Morgan Freeman fan (ever since Seven). This was a solid performance of a well-known historical character which would have garnered him an Oscar in a year without Meryl Streep writing the text book on how to portray someone we all know. He won't win, because...
• Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker -- There were several HOLY S@$% performances. This is one of them. I was blown away (sorry for the IED reference). He should win and will win.

Best Actress

• Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side -- I am not a Sandra fan, so this performance caught me completely by surprise. She sold me completely that she was a Southern Belle with all of the trappings, as well as a turbulent conscience (though, if I were directing, I would've given her Southern Belle implants). In another year, she gets a statue.
• Helen Mirren, The Last Station -- I was sold (and not just because she's British...alright, it was a little bit because she's a Brit). Played a bitch to a T.
• Carey Mulligan, An Education -- Amazing, but I have to say that you men out there who are voting for her are way out of line. Admit it: you had a change in blood flow from reading Lolita. Not right. Not right at all. Particularly because she's mine.
• Gabourey Sidibe, Precious -- Another excellent performance without much dialogue. She will win because A) she's not attractive, B) she showed unbelievable range in the switch between the 'reality' scenes and her fantasy escapes, and C) because her mother in the movie was a crack addict. It was a MOVIE people. She was excellent, and will win, but should lose to:
• Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia -- There are few words to describe this woman's talents. And believe me, I'm not a bandwagon kind of guy. I get tired of hearing how amazing she is, but then you see the performance and there's no denying it. We all know Julia Child. We all love the Dan Ackroyd spoof of her in SNL (and kudos to the director for including that scene -- it was on all of our minds). But Meryl Streep made you forget the parody and showed us a real life character without a single cringe or smirk moment. My choice. (One quick J&J note: Am I the only one who was driven to distraction by Chris Messina's dialogue with food in his mouth?!? Did the script read "Ummm.....good [let a chunk of something hit the table]"?)

Best Supporting Actress

• Penelope Cruz, Nine -- I missed this performance (and shame on me...I know she can act -- see Vicky Cristina Barcelona if you don't believe me -- and she's incredibly gorgeous). I just couldn't make it to a movie with a Rotten Tomato meter rating of 49%. Sorry PC.
• Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air -- Loved her, but she wasn't even the best actress in her movie.
• Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart -- I was pleasantly surprised. It would've been understandable had she been overshadowed by Jeff Bridges' stellar performance, but she wasn't (despite the fact that she has no chin).
• Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air -- Incredible performance for a newcomer (at least to me -- I can't make the Twilight scene...my daughters are too young and my girlfriends are too old).
• Mo'Nique, Precious -- The part was written to generate an Oscar and Mo'Nique held up her end of the bargain. I have never met her, yet I fear her. No way she doesn't win.

Best Supporting Actor

• Matt Damon, Invictus -- He did a nice job with the bizarre S. African accent, but I liked him better in Rounders and Dogma.
• Woody Harrelson, The Messenger -- In another year, he should get a statue. He was amazing in this "filmed in New Jersey" sleeper.
• Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones -- I enjoy his performances (even this year's in Julie and Julia), but this movie was nothing like Lovely. He may even have been nominated because he looked so amazing standing in the pile of dung that was Lovely Bones. Sorry, Stanley.
• Christopher Plummer, The Last Station -- wonderful portrayal of someone most of the West really doesn't know. This movie (and his performance) were sleepers, but alas, no award. Because...
• Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds -- The next of the HOLY S@$% performances. I didn't live through WWII (recall I am part of The Greediest Generation), but imagine Waltz channeled the quintessential Nazi.

Best Director

• James Cameron, Avatar -- While I have great respect for his multi-year investment in the technological advances this movie introduced, he should NOT win for Best Director. One thing will save us (or the lack of things -- see below)
• Quentin Tarantino, Inglorious Basterds -- I loved this movie. Very inventive, entertaining, truly well put together. He loses.
• Jason Reitman, Up in the Air -- The movie truly was well done, but I fear Jason will get undeserved support due to his lineage from those of us who walk around saying "There was one?" whenever we are confused.
• Lee Daniels, Precious -- One of the two (perhaps three) reasons Cameron won't win. The movie was inventive (see the fantasy scenes) AND there has never been an African American director Oscar winner. Only John Singleton (Boyz N the Hood) has been previously nominated. The other two reasons Cameron won't win:
• Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker -- There are two things every Best Director winner has had that Kathryn doesn't. Yup, those. There has never been a female Best Director nominee, let alone winner. My vote, and I suspect the Academy's.