Why a Paleo Breakfast is the Perfect Memory of My Father
Stanley, Junior was a Depression-era baby. Born prematurely, he slept in a sock drawer for the first year of his life. Even when he became a modern American male (read: got fat), his Father still called him "Peanut". The copious amounts of Schmidt's beer that my Grandfather drank did nothing to dampen his sense of humour.
Andre had steak and eggs for breakfast today. It reminded me that this was Dad's favorite breakfast. The first time I saw him eat this was at the International Hilton in Vegas. He felt like a king. It didn't look like a particularly good steak, as I recall (I think it had marks where the jockey was hitting it, to quote my favorite raconteur -- R. Dangerfield) but he felt like a high roller. This, despite the fact that his gambling money was dolled out in sealed envelopes by my Mother. When Stash inevitably emptied the day's mad money ($20 -- probably a day's net pay in 1972), he'd stand silently behind her on the casino floor until she told him, without turning around, that he wasn't getting any of her stash...Stash).
The History of Father's Day
I have never been a big fan of what I've always termed the 'Hallmark Holidays'. This started when I bought my Mother a sewing kit and wrote "Mom...I think?" on the card. This alone set her off, causing Aunt Helen (my paternal Grandmother's sister -- she of "don't you wipe?" fame when she did my laundry once) to chastise me as an unfeeling, uncaring little bastard. Given that I was adopted, she couldn't have hit me harder. My Father had only one response when I asked him what I could buy him for FD: "Buy something for your Mother." I used to laugh aloud at this inane answer, until I grew up and developed the ability to think of others first (an attribute still being fertilized).
Father's Day came after Mother's Day in the US, as you might've guessed. It started in tragedy (in this case, not caused by a sewing kit or a 10-year-old's sense of humour). An explosion in the Monongah mine in West Virginia killed 362 men in West Virginia, 250 of whom were fathers. A memorial to honor the lost fathers (and the more than 1000 children they left behind) was the first known celebration dedicated to fatherhood.
Formalization of this paternity party came in Washington state in 1910, thanks to the efforts of Sonora Smart Dodd, daughter of a Civil War vet. She heard a sermon in church about Mother's Day and thought, since her own mother died in childbirth, fathers deserved recognition as well. She wanted it to be June 5th, her father's birthday (did it ALL have to be about you, Sonora?!?), but the Spokane Ministerial Alliance chose the 3rd Sunday in June. President Wilson sent a telegram acknowledging the practice in 1916. President Johnson signed a proclamation honoring Father's Day in 1966 and President Nixon, the father of the EPA and Chinese restaurants in the US, made it an official federal holiday, giving exactly 0 fathers a day off with pay since it was on a Sunday. Tricky, Dick!
Another problem I have with Father's Day history is the name Sonora Smart Dodd. I have always thought my own name to be as exciting as Hellman's on white bread, even telling people in Las Vegas that my name was "Michael" during the aforementioned trip in the early '70s. Creativity was not my strong suit.
The Value of Fatherhood
Predictably, I feel differently about Father's Day now that I get to go to a restaurant with my kids and not have to drive home. It shouldn't be much about alcohol (the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems), but I'll take what I am given.
Stanley, Junior has always been an icon to me. He was selfless to a fault. He never made it to college and worked as many jobs as there were hours available to him, so that Mom and I could have a nice home, decent clothes (wasted spending in my opinion, since dressing me up is akin to polishing a turd) and a vacation every year. A cousin started telling me gossip about the "Thompson boys" after Dad had passed. I interrupted her, wishing to keep the fixed (and romanticized) view I had of him undisturbed. I think this has been an important form of immortality for Dad. He guides my actions to this day, however much I fall short of his ideal.
Thanks, Dad. I will have an amaretto in your honor tonight, reflecting on my weaknesses compared to yours, knowing that you will again propel me to try to do better and better. I loved you and will continue to feel that until my last breath is drawn.
Happy Father's Day to all of you and your paternal memories.
The Oscars -- 2020 "Little Women Explains World (aka You Really Should've Paid Attention in High School English)"
The older I get, the more I appreciate the parallels in great literature to the travails of our lives. Maybe this "older" bit is why all of the nuns who taught me English were centenarians.
Little Women is 152 years old (just a few years older than Sister Grace Pierre, who thought less of me because I laughed when Drew Bernard said "Did Melville REALLY need 42 chapters on whale blubber to tell this story?!?"), but it is quite relevant to our times -- thus the Greta Gerwig remake (plus: new ideas? Ain't nobody got no time for that. See what I did there?)
The lead protagonist, Jo, is a highly intelligent, powerful woman who just can't get anyone to love her.
The oldest sister is beautiful, vapid and superficial.
Beth is the most talented of the lot, but frail physically and her death would cause MASSIVE repercussions.
And Amy, the youngest, is aesthetically pleasing but otherwise completely useless.
The inescapable "woman problem".
We refuse to pass an Equal Rights Amendment; there's no way we're ready to elect one President; and, while some have skills, most of us just don't know the right way to talk to a woman.
The breakdown of traditional gender roles.
"I'd rather be a free spinster and paddle my own canoe." I'm sure, given our national addiction to umbrage, that there are complaints about the use of the word 'spinster' and, in a Gitche Gumee Gotcha sort-of-way, the mention of a canoe by a white woman...but it's great to see a 19th century character embracing 21st century ideas. Give the word-police shit a rest, people.
And, we're smack in the middle of a Civil War.
Let's get to the hostless content:
The Awards
Actor in a Leading Role
The two "Leading" categories are the most boring this year, with the two characters born of abuse a virtual lock to win.
Antonio Banderas, Pain and Glory
You'd think I'd be rooting for AB given some of his timeless movie quotes (e.g., "How can you be a receiver of the wedgies, when you are clearly not a wearer of the underpants?" from Shrek) but I also can't keep him separated from Inigo Montoya, which is oddly racist of me, since the other character is portrayed by a Russian/Polish descendant. I'm not as evolved as you'd think...or I'd hope.
Leonardo Di Caprio, Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood
Brilliant performance in an incredibly memorable and clever movie, but he's overshadowed by Brad Pitt, Emile Hirsch, Dakota Fanning, Bruce Dern, Mike Moh, Luke Perry, Damian Lewis, the spectre of Charles Manson and the gender-fluid caterer at the craft services truck.
Adam Driver, Marriage Story
Really well acted in a mediocre re-make/mix of Kramer vs. Kramer, but I'm developing a hang-up here. Not that I have anywhere near this level of talent...but I was led to believe my major miss was that I was aesthetically below-the-bar. Then Mr. Facial Birthmark comes along...well, at least I understand the game now.
Joaquin Phoenix, Joker
This is a scary dude putting up a scary-serious performance. No way he doesn't win; no way anyone likes this actor any better going forward.
Jonathan Pryce, The Two Popes
JP was honest enough to admit that he was cast as Pope "WherehaveyoubeenallofmyCatholicism?" because they look remarkably alike. But he gives a killer performance that wins in a non-Joker year.
Actress in a Leading Role
Cynthia Erivo, Harriet
She would've been the youngest EGOT ever if she hadn't appeared in a really weak movie (unleash the anti-racism Kraken) and competed in a year that included Zellweger's crazy-scary reincarnation of Judy.
Scarlett Johansson, Marriage Story
The big story here is that this is not even Scarlett Johansson's best performance this year! See below for where she had a bigger impact.
Saorise Ronan, Little Women
No predictable unpronounceable Irish name jokes here...though it took some surprising discipline. Another great performance in a movie with a great cast.
Charlize Theron, Bombshell
Does she deserve to win because she looks and sounds exactly like someone we all know? Well, she going to lose to someone doing the same, because the award goes to:
Renee Zellweger, Judy
A scary-good portrayal of one of the 20th-century's most famous people in her infamous demise. This is a lock, despite crazy-ass Liza Minnelli's upset at not being consulted. This is a win you can take to the bank.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Tom Hanks, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
Hanks is more reliable than the weather (thanks, Koch-douches). This was a beautiful movie, even for people who look at Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood as saccharin-sweet.
Anthony Hopkins, The Two Popes
Another great portrayal by a crazy-talented actor. Shocking that he topped his all-time demon...a serial-killing cannibal. Or, maybe not so shocking.
Al Pacino, The Irishman
This beyond-category talent showed up with a characterization we didn't see coming. Should be another piece of hardware for Michael Corleone's mantel here.
Joe Pesci, The Irishman
Love the actor, enjoyed the movie. As my non-Irish in-laws would say "Ooh gotz".
Brad Pitt, Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood
He's favored here, but is it because he's old enough now that we're sympathetic to him (and mournful of the life of a too-beautiful man after years of abuse by intellectually superior women like Angelina and Jennifer?) He might-could win (sorry...in my attempt to live outside my bubble, I have not learned if some of these middle-'merica phrases are hyphenated or not), but this is not my choice.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Kathy Bates, Richard Jewell
Yet another angry-white-man movie from Clint Eastwood? Love Kathy, but no white-redemption trophy this year.
Laura Dern, Marriage Story
She is one of a handful who appeared in multiple nominated movies. Perhaps this is her way of making up for Vice Admiral Holdo.
Scarlett Johansson, Jojo Rabbit
Her better performance of the two noms in a GREAT movie. Worried she'll go down to the spot-on mimicry of Megyn Kelly (she of bleeding from wherever fame), but would be my choice.
Florence Pugh, Little Women
I loved this book, enjoyed this movie and did not agree with this nomination.
I always think these are underappreciated, given many of the fine moments we've had in education and social commentary. Please ignore a particular first-family's participation in the development of the favorite to win and do take some time to watch:
American Factory, and
For Sama
at a minimum. You'll be glad you did.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
Steven Zaillian, The Irishman
I'm conflicted here (and not just because my wife is stridently opposed to the "clearly-not-Irish-guy-playing-the-Irish-guy"). I thoroughly enjoyed this, but was it just because it was a longer version of the same movie I enjoyed 20 years ago?
Taika Waititi, Jojo Rabbit
Who IS this guy?!? I was roaring during every scene he was in (and he had to direct dressed as Hitler -- lots of kudos to go around here, after the haters point out that what I just said was anti-Semitic and sure to bring about the Fourth Reich). My favorite Kiwi since FotC.
Todd Phillips &; Scott Silver, Joker
I'm a big fan of the back-story, and this is a good one. To avoid the predictable "he was bullied, therefore, sadistic criminal" storyline, these gentlemen wrote in ambiguity -- did it happen? Is it happening? Was it lifted entirely from King of Comedy?
Greta Gerwig, Little Women
A classic book, tweaked to include a couple of break-the-fourth-wall moments? Love ya, Greta...but nothin' here.
Anthony McCarten, The Two Popes
This was a huge surprise. I followed the scandal and unprecedented "Popemeritus" thing, but still learned a lot from the movie. In a non-Jojo-year, this'd be the winner.
Writing (Original Screenplay)
Rian Johnson, Knives Out
Clever, but stuff you've seen before in the "funny-murder-mystery" stock. Daniel Craig's performance took the whole movie up a notch or two. Do not miss watching this, but do not hold out hope for an Oscar.
Noah Bambauch, Marriage Story
Kramer vs. Kramer. I didn't feel good after watching that movie, so why would I feel good about watching it again with different actors?
Sam Mendes & Krysty Wilson-Cairns, 1917
Unclear why we all know so much less about World War I than II, so grateful for an entry like this. Mendes allegedly wrote this about his grandfather's experience -- I guess my grandfather's movie would be Schmidt's...the Working Pollack's Local Brew.
Quentin Tarantino, Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood
I clapped when this ended. One legitimate complaint: if you didn't know the detailed history of the Manson Family murders, you'd miss what QT did with the ending. I got it...my wife got it...but our kids would not have known. That's enough for me to say "sorry, Quentin".
Bong Joon Ho & Han Jin Won, Parasite
The complaints: predictable; on-the-money. My wife's review: "finally...a foreign-language film that's predictable and on-the-money!" This is the winner.
Best Picture
Ford v. Ferrari
I'm not a car-guy, but if you are, this is erection-spurring stuff. Even if the Springsteen lyrics about engine blocks pass you by, this is a gripping movie. Dickhead Supreme Christian Bale's performance alone is worth the price of admission.
The Irishman
I liked it. I loved Pacino's performance. But let's be honest: it's Goodfella's x 1.30. That's really it. Sorry, boyz.
Jojo Rabbit
This is a MARVELOUS surprise. Expecting some PC noise about funny Hitler, but otherwise a brilliant, clever WW II film. I wish this would win, but it's not going to be higher than 3rd in the voting (unless the people from the Iowa Democratic Party are counting the votes, in which case it could tie for first or finish in the Falkand Islands).
Joker
I love me a backstory movie. I also enjoy a "whaaaat-really-happened" story. Unfortunately, my wife does not. And she brings me down.
Little Women
This was a great book that has already made several good movies. This is in that category -- good...not great.
Marriage Story
The custody-observer scene was riveting. Adam Driver's improved cabaret song was a pleasant surprise. The rest was Kramer vs. Kramer. Sorry. It really was.
1917
The best part wasn't the technical "film as one continuous scene" approach. It was a deeply human, deeply disturbing drama about a brutal war we know far too little about, given it was part of our grandparents or great-grandparents' lives. It will win, though it's not my first or second choice.
Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood
LOVED this thing -- though it has a classic QT flaw: you have to know the details of the what the Manson Family pulled off in 1969 to understand what he did with this story (and the title). It seems like a small flaw, but it's fatal when it comes to "best" anything.
Parasite
Spectacular movie, particularly given the Korean language/English subtitles that usually sends my wife to Seinfeld reruns. It will win Foreign Language Film. It will not win Best Picture, but deserved consideration.
Now on to the program. Be comforted, dear soul! There is always light behind the clouds.
Sunday, February 24, 2019
The Oscars -- 2019 "Everything Wrong With Our Country, And The Fixins...uh, Fixes"
You watch the Oscars, but your social feed is chock-full of "no interest...f@#$ them...in my 52nd year of not watching and not caring and my life is just fine" posts. I understand. There's a lot to dislike:
Studio Executives so craven and cruel, they don't just try to use their power to sleep with women, they have to humiliate them
An Academy that makes movies that preach to us about racism, but still has only 16% non-white members (and that's after a 4-year-push to increase membership diversity!)
Gazillionaires who get so little satisfaction from making another gazill, they have to go into journalism, politics or space travel (hey, Sir Richard: you want to impress me? Launch your own hairy ass into space! Elon: you space-littered.Clean that shit up, please. What? Sorry? Oh, right...fuck-all this has to do with the Oscars. Focus, boy.
Movies that carry a nice message, but...sorry...didn't go far enough?!? What did you pukes need to see? Freddie Mercury vomiting on some random dude's genitals? Tony Lip's family abusing moulinyans for another couple of decades? You people need to cool it.
An entire industry that believes we should have strict gun control laws while living in gated mansions with armed security personnel and making movies where the guns are not only central to the plot, but they never, ever, run out of bullets (I'm looking at you, John McClane!)
An elitism that allows an actress to become a huckster of over-priced junk that would surely cause The Donald to blush (or maybe make him jealous...choose your version). Seriously, why on earth are people buying Vampire Repellent from Gwyeentwshc Paw-toes' site, Goop (and, no, I'm not providing a link to it. I realize it's just a Google search away, but we both know you're too lazy to find it on your own. #knowyouraudience
Even if it's just a joke gift, you're giving more money to someone already so bored with Bitcoin Baths that she started a website called Goop. They sell a Jellyfish tank. This is an actual product (linkless again...sorry, lazy pukes):
Aren't jellyfish amazing creatures? They were born to live in an ocean. Do you realize how big those things are? We're talking Kanye's ego multiplied by the circumference of Chris Christie's waist. These are big numbers, people. I'm going to take my technical skills and my ample free time (hey: I was able to carve out hours to write this slop...uh, prosaic movie-related-material...) and steal her idea. I'm going to co-opt Goop. Co-go-op. Launch-day product right on the landing page: a celebrity fish tank. No, not that bullshit that Ochocinco has over his bed. I'm talking real celebs. You have to feed them regularly -- a steady diet of hair products and excessive, undeserved compliments -- but keep your fingers out of the tank. Bale bites like a summabitch.
There are solutions abundant in this year's...uh...interesting crop of nominees:
Black Panther shows us that Africans aren't inferior because they're African. Colonialism rained on (or, chained on, more aptly) their parade. All we need to do now is a little time-travel and a little education.
BlackkKlansman demonstrates how difficult it can be to overcome hard-core racism, but that it can be done (and that Spike Lee can be forgiven for She Hate Me).
Bohemian Rhapsody reminds us that freedom in expression makes our world better (and that you really should listen to your mother about the dentist appointments you've been skipping)
The Favourite: a case study in knowing your history (and sounding smarter by adding in superfluous 'u's here and there)
Green Book is a reverse Driving Miss Daisy with some tasty strong-man action thrown in to remind us that violence doesn't settle anything...except, apparently, racism
Roma is a beautiful and simple portrait of real life, featuring complex, hard-working, flawed Mexicans with normal-sized calves, and
Vice reminds us that we have no choice to continue to put up with Christian Bale, no matter how big a dick he is, because he can be such a big Dick.
The Awards
Actor in a Leading Role
This is the best category this year, far surpassing Best Picture (since that's such a cluster).
Christian Bale, Vice
God I hate this guy, but he has serious chops. I was convinced it was the Heartless-One the entire movie, and it twern't just makeup, people. He was The Dick. Wait...has anyone seen them together? Wouldn't surprise me a bit if that Old Neocon had the other Satan gin him up a new body, white Get-Out style.
Bradley Cooper, A Star Is Born
Hard to root for a guy this good-looking, this successful and, seemingly, nice. So I won't. No offense, BC -- Gaga overshadowed a great performance, even though you seemed to just be mimicking Sam Elliot (of endless meme-fame) and you're going to get shut out.
Willem Dafoe, At Eternity's Gate
Still bummed about you and Tom Berenger splitting the Supporting Actor vote from Platoon and letting that smug Brit, Michael Caine, win for Hannah. I loved that movie, but he got to make out with Barbara Hershey -- that just doesn't happen in real-life, people. Sorry, we can't make it up to you this year, either. More people saw Juliet, Naked than At Eternity's Gate (and, come to think of it, more people saw Juliet naked, too). Sorry, brah.
Viggo Mortenson, The Green Book
Hey, thanks for the reminder that it's not really all that easy to do a NY gumbah accent. Really well done. But you're going to lose to:
Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody
Ok, we all love Freddie. And I enjoyed every minute of B.R. (see below), but I really would've preferred seeing Sasha Baron Cohen in the role. Brian May takes the rap for sanitizing the film for the sake of Queen's history and you gave a stellar, if mumbly performance. Still, I would've preferred to see the Ass-Bale win.
Actress in a Leading Role
Yalitza Aparicio, Roma
Wonderful job. We all get to learn how to say "it's an honor just to be nominated" in Spanish this year.
Glenn Close, The Wife
7 nominations without a win. This has to stop...but not this year. Apologies, namesake (what? You didn't know my middle name was Close?)
Olivia Colman, The Favourite
Really the best performance in this category, but no shot at a statue.
Melissa McCarthy, Can You Ever Forgive Me
The 2nd best performance here (or maybe tops -- see below). Do yourselves a favor and see this movie. But she can't win because...
Gaga, A Star Is Born
I loved the movie and her performance, but I genuinely think she's getting a statue because we all expected so little of her. So was this a grand conspiracy: become known for wearing meat-suits and calling fans 'little monsters', then do something semi-serious and be viewed as curing cancer? I'll give that some thought, right after I prove that the Southern Border Wall is really an attempt to get the country to tilt towards the equator. causing all of the water to flow south and finally and totally submerge Florida.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Adam Driver, BlackkKlansman
Well done. Now, we forgive you for irritating us during Star Wars.
Sam Elliot, A Star is Born
Do you know how many memes there are with this guy's face? I know I said it before, but you're thick and need repetition. He'd have to be quoting shit faster than a Foxconn-fortune-cookie-factory to have said all of these things. Sorry for the distraction.
Richard E. Grant, Can You Ever Forgive Me
Really, rent this movie. Alright, I'll stop. (I lied...see below)
Sam Rockwell, Vice
He really did play a good Dubya, but Josh Brolin got there first.
Mahershala Ali, The Green Book
This was a stellar performance in a strong category. I worried about the reverse-Miss Daisy thing and the performances of the two principles completely cured that concern. I'm now happy I put up with all of those shirtless scenes in House of Cards to get to this. Worth it...mostly.
Wonderful history lesson. I didn't realize how big a part Lynne Cheney played in Dick's life and, subsequently, our history. Now I can hate her, too.
Marina de Tavira, Roma
Wonderful performance. Hope we get to see her again.
Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk
Really thought she could've been nominated for Ray, so very glad she'll statue-out tonight.
Documentary
I always think these are underappreciated, given many of the fine moments we've had in education and social commentary. This year, unfortunately, politics will rule the category and RBG, a well-made but uninspiring film (contrary to the principal) will win. It may be the 4th best movie of the 5 nominated. Do take some time to watch:
Minding the Gap, and
Of Fathers and Sons
at a minimum. You'll be glad you did. Meanwhile, somebody better be accepting for Notorious RBG. I just heard Clarence Thomas is considering retiring soon so that The Donald can replace him.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
The Ballad of Buster Scruggs
DO NOT MISS THIS MOVIE! Really surprisingly funny and highly entertaining. No shot at a statue in a very strong category.
BlackkKlansman
Loved it and should have a real shot, but see the strong-shit comment above. Woof (or, is it 'oof' -- sorry, too lazy to search for a .wav file to embed)
Can You Ever Forgive Me
DO NOT MISS THIS...ok, you get it
If Beale Street Could Talk
Could take away the statue, given the hand-wringing and teeth gnashing about The Green Book
A Star is Born
We knew the story well already, but still a great job. In the end, Gaga gets an Oscar for this film, but it's otherwise shut out.
Writing (Original Screenplay)
First Reformed
A tense but clever story (if an awkward film). Worth a rental if you haven't seen it.
Green Book
You liberal pukes need to lighten up. Ok, they simplified evolution of some hard-core racists. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have some straight-forward conversions like this? And, in my experience, the best thing that happens to people with hate for specific groups is to get to know members of said group. Let's encourage it. Sometimes they even take bullets for them!
Vice
This was a very clever approach to material many of us know well. Genuinely funny (who knew we'd be laughing about a guy who wants to do away with 2 of the 3 branches of government and sports wood from war) and innovative approach. My pick, but it won't win because the Snowflakes think by checking this box that Cheney might be back in the Oval Office again.
The Favourite
Beautifully written and acted (and dressed and shot), but it won't win here. Too familiar, even if the story of Queen Anne is unknown to most Americans.
Roma
A ganar, a ganar, pollo para cenar! You clicked to get here, you know who wrote it, so spare me the groans. Te amo pero vete a la mierda.
Best Picture
Black Panther
BOY, I wish this would win. Ok, so it was a superhero movie. So what? It was well written, acted, filmed and innovative. And we'll be watching and enjoying this decades from now. Sounds like it checks the right boxes to me.
BlackkKlansman
I'm pulling for Spike Lee to get Best Director (I really am over She Hate Me -- took a while, my brother...and putting yourself in movies when a real actor would improve the property. You think we were all happy when Giant got the hell beaten out of him in MBB for no reason?!?) but I think Klansman falls short.
Bohemian Rhapsody
Watched this with my wife and oldest daughter while on a college visit tour in Boston and we all enjoyed every minute. But a sober look (metaphorically, bitch...I wasn't imbibing at normal levels with my teenager there) at this as a film leaves me wanting. The music and the Live Aid sequence carried the day (along with some prosthetic teeth that brought our lost friend back for 2 hours of our lives), but this is not an Oscar-worthy picture. Let the hate begin....
The Favourite
Was not this picture...
Green Book
much more entertaining than we expected (the racism cured while driving thing lowered the bar for sure) and the true-story nature of it (my feeling stupid aside for not knowing who Don Shirley was) bolster the argument for an Oscar. But I believe Donald Drumpfth and Stephen Miller will cause the statue to go to
Roma
A beautifully filmed and acted piece (Best Cinematography is a lock; Director has a good shot -- Cuaron really has a big range), I think the ridiculous, endless discussions about Mexicans only being, some of them, I assume, good people, will be enough for a foreign language film to take the top prize. Bueno.
Movie stars and politics. You hate it, because who cares what they think? I agree. And I'll spare you the First Amendment argument -- since I know you're aware based on your footsteps on my throat (online-speaking). But, more importantly, think of the people you DO listen to --
Wolf Blitzer?
This is your dad's friend who pretends he's an intellectual, but you know he hasn't read a book longer than 80 pages since college and you're secretly wondering if he's actually the disgraced Frugal Gourmet in hiding.
Dr. Laura?
We wouldn't even know who this woman IS if she didn't hate gays so openly. In fact, she's not usually as unattractive as this particular picture, but I'm sure that phallic-looking microphone has her wrenching, thinking about two men who are doing things paving their way to hell -- along with all of the other "vulgar" "beastial" gays.
Al Sharpton?
Why do we listen to this guy again? Because he's a "reverend"? Hmm...there are a lot of priests who we should've ignored over the years. I love that our country gives people second (and third and fourth) chances, but Tawana Brawley should've been enough to send this guy away from the public light forever.
Sean Hannity?
No. You aren't listening to this guy, are you? Don't admit it to me. This is a country that can do better than State TV.
Alex Jones?!?
Nah. Not even putting a picture of this f@#$ here. If you listen to him at all, get off this blog. You're a sick pup and need help.
So they're planning on wearing orange to highlight gun violence? I admire their social conscience, but I don't think they have any realization at all that the people most committed to guns for all for all time guns...or whatever...will go out and buy more simply because. Simply because.
Best Picture
Where is I, Tonya?!? It captures our times more than any other movie. Particularly when Martin Maddox (played brilliantly by Bobby Cannavale) says:
"I mean, we had no idea that something like this could be done by two of the biggest boobs, in a story populated solely by boobs!"
Kinda captures the times we're living in, no?
Call Me By Your Name
Beautiful movie, well acted and -- need to go to Italy for vacation. No statue here, but Timothee Chalamet...ooof (see below).
Three Billboards Outside Ebbings, Missouri
I thought this was the best, most creative movie I've seen in 20 years and then I read the reviews. Haters. Who hate. Still think it was brilliant. My choice is Get Out (blog spoiler), but I'd be perfectly happy if TBOEM wins.
Dunkirk
Two movies about the same historic event. Just like 1998, when we relived our asteroid destruction twice in Armageddon and Deep Impact. Love true stories.
This is the better of the Dunkirk movies. Even if you know the entire history (and I was just a bit deficient), the perspective is from that of the waiting soldiers, fully expecting to die and the civilians willing to stare down the Nazis. In another year, this gets more respect and wins the big, nude gold. Not this year.
Darkest Hour
A framework for Gary Oldman's performance...and I'm perfectly ok with that. We all know Churchill, he of cigar-fame, and Oldman brought him to life in a way that made you wish you could've seen the man in action (bathtub aside). I enjoyed John Lithgow's performance in The Crown, but Oldman brought Winston's humor to play. He'll win, controversial as it may be (see below). But not the movie -- the second-best WW II movie this year.
Get Out
Boy would I love for this to win -- not for some political reason, but because it's a horror movie, people! I had the pleasure of seeing this in a theater in Baltimore with some people who...shall we say...have a reputation for talking to the screen. Totally enhanced the experience! But it also made me realize Marcus Henderson got a major snub ("Major Snub"{salute}) by not getting a Supporting Actor nod. This guy (playing Walter) spoke on behalf of the audience (see above) and had most of the laughs -- and they were serious, LOL moments and necessary bursts of relief in a very intense film.
I'm rooting for GO to get something -- Screenplay at least, Director, perhaps?
The Shape of Water
Prior to seeing it (and twice during), I kept thinking "Huh?" But it was a beautiful story. I have to admit I was expecting to see Adrienne Barbeau pop out somewhere (hey...I didn't mean those. Post-Weinstein World, bitch.) Richard Jenkins was amazing. You know this dude when you see him, but you don't know where from (don't bother looking it up -- you don't remember those movies).
Lady Bird
Very entertaining movie. Does this rise to the level of Best Picture? I guess...but in a year when they only had 9 (instead of the recent 10 custom) and left off Big Sick and I, Tonya? Hmm....
The Post
Critics called this formulaic, but as a Watergate obsessed Boomer, I was riveted. Donna enjoyed, too. I suspect this is because of the juxtaposition of this "more traditional" move against the rule-breakers (Call Me By Your Name; Get Out; outdoor advertising in the midwest). I completely geeked out and blurted out the names of the characters before anyone said their name. Not nearly as entertaining as what happened to me during Get Out (see above).
The Underdogs
Do watch: Big Sick -- besides being laugh-out-loud funny, it's quite touching (and my wife's favorite: a true story). Icarus (yes, you're going to watch a documentary that's not made by Ken Burns!) -- it's riveting AND timely, since we just went through the Olympics and we're back in the Cold War again in earnest.
The Snubs
I, Tonya
A guy head-butts his way through a glass door?
The "incident" scene music is lifted straight from The Shining
Allison Janney is talking straight to the camera right out of Howard Stern's Private Parts.
Alright, it's derivative. But it's disturbing, even though you know exactly what happens (and that they're all boobs) and laugh-out-loud funny.
I'm into the creative stuff that happened this year, but this is my kind of movie.
The Big Sick
This fit the format of "different", had a Hollywood-loving minority family (hell, a Muslim minority family -- "Hello? Snowflakes?!?"), unpredictable, laugh-out-loud jokes and a helluva performance from Holly Hunter, topped by the layered, sympathetic performance by Ray Romano. Ray Romano! Who knew he could do that...which is why he, at least, should've gotten a nomination.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
I think this series has become something other than a series of movies and, therefore, ineligible for serious consideration beyond Special Effects (recently called "Visual Effects", because "Special Effects" sounds like they're on sale...or up for a copyright violation suit from the Special Olympics). Deidre, the 17-year-old MAJOR Star Wars fan ("Major Star Wars Fan..." {salute}) had MAJOR issues with this one ("Major Issu...." alright, you get it) -- particularly Leia's rapidly developed mega-Jedi powers. Hey, Carrie Fisher was my first crush and she's gone now. She's doing a f-ton more than flying in my dreams, so give it a rest, Deidre.
Speaking of superhero movies that make a lot of money: Wonder Woman
Uh...no words.
The Florida Project
While I'm supportive of Willem Dafoe getting a nom, I'm certain it's because he plays a character that we've never seen from him before. If this was a "new guy" performance, no mention by the Academy. HOWEVER, Brooklynn Prince and Bria Vinaite should have gotten mentions. But the movie is unique, touching and completely unexpected.
Summary
Life got in the way of our art -- ~75% coverage. But we were entertained this year. Nice spread of artsy/interesting and standard-fare that is well done.
Alright, stop whining. No, not you hair-on-fire leftists who would trade your time-travel murder of Hitler to go back to 1947 and get Fred Trump to pull out (although you do need to relax, people...you're going to have a stroke). I'm talking to the "I'm not watching it" crowd. You know who you are. You used to tell me "I never watch TV -- I don't have the time", until I started probing with:
"24?"
Great show!
"Homeland?"
She's got those crazy eyes. I think she's crazy in real life, too.
"Scandal?"
My wife got me addicted.
"Uh...you know those are all on TV, right?"
{silence}
Here are the arguments for "Just watch it":
#1) I'm going to make predictions. Just like I did about the election.
You love it when someone is wrong and you can shove it down their throats. We all do. You particularly love it when I'm wrong. So give yourselves a moment. Check out the choices I would prefer win and the predictions about what will win -- two chances for me to be wrong; two chances in each category for you to come back and dump on me.
#2) They're going to make fools of themselves.
This is the capital of narcissism. You know all about that, now that every amateur psychologist in the world has diagnosed the President from afar. He may be rife with it, but if he's the most powerful narcissist of our time, Hollywood is the Mordor to his raging Orc. They're all going to try to get the President to react to them the way he did to Meryl Streep, which means they're going to fail wildly. We're going to forget about bulbous Marlon Brandon's stand-in Sacheen Littlefeather and Vanessa Redgrave's "Zionist hoodlums" (although we'll never forget Faith Hill:
-- , because one of these self-absorbed performers is going to go for the Fences (see what I did there?) and get themselves tangled up in barbed wire. We don't have a great term for this in English (as we do in German -- schadenfreude), but we do have Nelson:
#3) Art is what separates us from the animals. Movies are art.
Here we have to invoke the Tiger Woods rule: Separate the work from the man. Tiger was a spectacular golfer. He was the Babe Ruth of golf -- changed the game entirely. Tiger, apparently was also a despicable man. But I wasn't friends with him and never was going to be. I only know who he is because of his golfing ability. I'm not suggesting he gets a pass for his behaviour, but I'm not his judge and jury -- just a guy who occasionally watches golf on TV. This could easily also be called the Woody Allen rule.
More importantly, what are we doing here? Not "The Internets" here...the planet here. Most of what we do is pass time, doing the absolutely necessary functional things to ensure we can continue to pass time. But some small portion of what we do is create things that didn't exist before that express emotions -- sadness; genuine laughter; empathy; rage -- art. And if we're not creating art, observe, analyze and appreciate art. It's a thin line between us and those other animals (and I commuted on packed trains for years, so I know some of you have no line between you and varmints at all) -- so darken that line and enjoy some art, even if it's perpetrated by self-absorbed fools. The world is full of them (hell, you're reading words from one of them right now). At least these self-absorbed movie fools are making art for us. Enjoy.
We did ok this year, but off our pace a tad. Not a reflection of our commitment to the quest, but maybe a reflection of our differences of opinion(s) with the nominating people. Just shy of 81% of the nominations.
Strangely, we didn't see any movie nominated for Makeup. I don't know how to feel about this. Clean, maybe?
Best Documentary
I never lead with this category and I don't know why that is. Perhaps because the guy referenced above who constantly preaches to me about how much TV he doesn't watch (while pointing out the anachronisms in episode 4.16 of NCIS Las Vegas) also tells me repeatedly that "movies are supposed to be escapism -- they're supposed to remove me from reality, not bludgeon me with it". I don't agree with this. Movies are supposed to be art. Usually storytelling is at its center. But art, nonetheless. Ken Burns made art. Leni Riefenstahl did, too. Where my head starts to hurt is when I think about documentaries about art (like The Mystery of Picasso). Is this art about art? It's so circular, I fear I'll go back in time (and then there's that conundrum again -- stop the march of Hitler, or stop Fred Trump's hump?)
One reason to lead with Best Documentary is that I think this category was stronger than Best Picture. I thoroughly enjoyed all five of these (something I can't say about the Big 9 in 2016) and think the winner is one of the best pictures of the last 30 years.
Life, Animated
I loved this movie. It's uplifting to the point where you feel a part of the Suskind family for the duration of the film. In another year, it wins, but this is not another year. 13th
This should be mandatory viewing for anyone who thinks we're in a post-racial world (or are even close to such a thing). Ava DuVernay does a decent job of trying to present a fair amount of counterpoint (though, in the end, she's preaching), but it's compelling material presented in a compelling way. Fire At Sea
The view of refugees we're missing with all of the political noise. Love the scenes of the Italians at home, in their kitchens, living their lives just like my wife's ancestors. O.J.: Made in America
The longest documentary ever nominated and not the only O.J. movie made last year, but unbelievably compelling. To present material we all know like the backs of our hands in a new light is an accomplishment. It get appropriately recognized with a gold-plated naked man tonight.
Best Picture
My biggest gripe here isn't the hype over weak, indie-type films (Manchester by the Sea; Moonlight) or good-but-not-great musicals (you know who you are, L-train) but the lack of hype for Hidden Figures (one of the best named movies, too) and Lion! Admittedly, Lion (like Philomena a few years back) resonates in my family of an adopted son and an adopted bloviating blogger, but this true story is beautiful, well-filmed and acted, and moving throughout. I'm truly at sea with the odds in this category and the omission of Captain Fantastic (more on that below).
La La Land
Ryan Gosling can't sing. I'm not talking Florence Foster Jenkins bad, but it's enough to make you say "couldn't you get a guy who can sing?"
Fun movie that I enjoyed more than my wife**, but we both agree it shouldn't win (though it looks like it may).
**-This is a comparison of our reactions to the movie, not a comparison of my enjoyment of a film and my enjoyment of a wife. I'm not suicidal, here.
Arrival
I completely geeked out on this one. We had aliens and linguistics experts mixing it up; pig-headed military guys nearly blowing up the whole planet; all against a backdrop of international politics? Phew...I'm light-headed just typing this. This could be considered a rip-off of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, but I consider it different enough to stand alone. Any similarities should be considered to be a paean to that great Spielberg film from the '70s.
Hacksaw Ridge
I'll spare you the predictable Mel Gibson rant (but, really, are we ready to apply the Tiger Woods rule to this guy? You're going to call me a hypocrite, aren't you?) The legitimate (movie-only) complaint here is that Vince Vaughn completely rips off R. Lee Ermey's Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket while Gibson channels his inner-Spielberg to produce Private Ryan Goes to Okinawa. It's redeemed by a great story and a performance by Andrew Garfield that made me cry. No Medal of Honor here. Hell or High Water
Speaking of rip-offs, Jeff Bridges owes half his pay to Tommy Lee Jones for his {cough} inspiration from his portrayal of Ed Tom Bell in No Country. Highly entertaining movie that does not belong on a Best Picture list that didn't include Captain Fantastic. I feel badly that director David Mackenzie lost both of his parents while filming this movie, but this isn't America's Got Talent, where the backstory gets you into the finals.
Manchester by the Sea
Casey Affleck was awesome, doing a brilliant job of the before-and-after picture of a man coming off a self-inflicted tragedy. But this is a beautiful indie-film, not a made-for-the-ages Best Pic nom. Even the trivia page on IMDB is weak. Sheesh!
Moonlight
At the risk of antagonizing my fellow snowflakes (nee: bleeding hearts), I liked but didn't love this movie. Mahershala Ali was great (and I was already a fan from House of Cards), but I found myself having to work to stay engaged. It's a great story presented not in a compelling way. Let the bashing begin.
Fences
Loved it. But this was a great play redone as a movie that looks like a play. Denzel was awesome. Viola Davis was even better (though I thought Stephen Henderson gave a surprising, if not scene-stealing performance). Tony, yes. Oscar, nope.
Hidden Figures
Loved the name. Love, love, loved the movie. I'm a guy who does musicals and has a daughter who wants to make a career out of them, and I think this was clearly better than the 3Ls. Come on, people. This is just a better movie. I'd be happy if this won BP, but it won't.
Lion
I cried for 2 hours. Twice. This is shot in a way that makes you feel a child's fear, feel a young man's guilt, feel a girlfriend's anguish, feel a parent's powerlessness but also endless capacity for love. I'm getting choked up typing this (largely because some of the complexities presented in the movie are familiar), so I'm likely over-rating this film. But it's clearly a great one. Highly recommended, both to movie fans and Oscar voters alike.
People
Men:
Viggo Mortensen gets mentioned first, not because he'll win (he won't) but because he was in my 2nd favorite sleeper film of the year: Captain Fantastic is a wonderful story, filled with laughs aloud, complexity and characters you both root for and against at various points in the film. By the way, my favorite sleeper film of the year is The Lobster. If you laugh at those twisted videos on Unilad that my cousins keep posting on my FB page, you'll laugh out loud at The Lobster. But if that kind of twisted humour makes you grimace a WTF, stay away. Trust my instincts on your behalf.
Any of the men not named Gosling deserve to win Best Actor. It's a close race between Denzel, Andrew Garfield and the younger Affleck, with the latter pulling it out in a close race.
In Supporting, Dev Patel should be a favorite because he could easily have been nominated for Best Actor (but doesn't appear until about an hour into the movie), but there is some overwhelming support for Mahershala Ali. I wonder how much of this is subject matter/backstory/weak category year. Oh, and Michael Shannon (who I loved in Boardwalk Empire) didn't deserve to be here for this performance, so I think it's the Ben Carson effect -- Ali looks better standing next to Shannon.
Another overlook -- why wasn't Sunny Pawar nominated? This 8-year-old was awesome (and made us, as parents, say things about his cuteness that our kids wouldn't have liked hearing -- mercifully, this post is way too long for any of them to read. #theupsideoflaziness)
Women:
I have a feeling Portman is going to get gifted a statue for pulling off a recognizable historic character. That's some Streep schtick, Natalie, so don't get comfortable with it. This is a good time to recommend watching Florence Foster Jenkins. This is some laugh-out-loud stuff, along with some cringe-worthy moments of discomfort and then tremendous relief. Particularly if you're a musician/singer, FFJ is a must-see.
I preferred Ruth Negga in Loving, but think she's got no shot. I look forward to seeing her in more movies.
Supporting is a stacked category this year. Any of them should win. My pick is Nicole Kidman in Lion (with the aforementioned bias alert in full force here), but I'm certain Viola Davis will win and I will be happy about that.
Miscellany
Film Editing
How can I comment on this without seeing the unedited film? (Is Batman a transvestite? Who knows?)
Song
If Lin-Manuel Miranda of Hamilton-fame wins for the song from Moana ("How Far I'll Go"), he'll become only the 13th person in the EGOT category (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) and he'll be the faster ever to achieve it -- 9 years (Robert Lopez of Book of Mormon/Frozen fame took 10 years to complete the cycle).
Visual Effects (used to be called Special Effects, making me wonder if they'll eventually rename the Special Olympics to the Visual Olympics)
This is a good sleeper movie category this year. I loved Deepwater Horizon, Rogue One (of course) and Doctor Strange. Another movie that got gypped in their overlook is Jungle Book. Thought that deserved a little more recognition, if not that 10th spot in Best Picture.
We've renamed this category "Gifted Hands". Not so much for the talented writers who produce this material, but rather for Doctor Ben. In a category that always contains a few "sleepers", the good doctor is always on our minds.
Another "basics known" storyline, but the revelations (biblical reference accidental, but happily noted) about how the story unfolded and the Globe's handling of it were brilliant.
I LOVED this movie. Quite a clever plot and believe it should (but won't) win something. And this has NOTHING to do with Alicia Vikander. Nothing at all. Jennifer who?
Biased by our official capacity as mediocre middle class parents, this is our sentimental choice. It doesn't win -- the idea is they're thrilled to be there (which is what Vicky Craig said to me in 1977 -- I know, Vicky. Know ya lied!)
The guilt felt by the old, white men who nominated only....nah. No way those closet-Trump-supporters even saw this one. 'Shame, because this was one of our big sleepers this year. We expected nothing and received tons.
Hope Springs Eternal
Best Adapted Screenplay
My wife said "'The Big Short' was based on a book? So what do they get an Oscar for?!?" She has a point. Some people will want to make a Socialism joke right here. For me, it was more reminiscent of how most of the people who've ever worked for me must've felt. Let's concentrate our focus on:
We didn't see it. Not because we didn't want to (or because Donna has a sister who is a giant....LOVELY, lovely human being. Why oh why did I tell these people the URL to these pages?)
Winner, winner, economy-wrecking-chicken-dinner! Like Too Big to Fail, you have to be prepared to be sick to your stomach as it causes you to relive the Global Financial Crisis of 2008 and also because you come away with some clarity.
Several people commented that they couldn't watch this because of the subject matter (a sexual slave kidnapping), but honestly, it's more touching than disturbing. Absolutely loved both the writing and the acting. Doubt it can win anything (maybe Best Actress), but brilliantly done. Highly recommended.
This was a sweet movie that both of us loved. Nothing earth-shattering, but a well written and realistic human struggle. No awards, but our eternal praise (unlike the actual Brooklyn).
Tough movie. Great movie, but exhausting. Haven't felt this way since There Will Be Blood (or since I managed a group of hipster technology architects). You can't watch this one again. Does that matter?
Um...what? Listen -- I'm a big fan of action movies. And post-apocalyptic action movies. I enjoyed The Road (but see the Daffy warning above on that one) and am addicted to The Walking Dead. But Best Picture for Fury Road?!? Did people just get overwhelmed with the fact that there was a genuine, discernible plot in a Mad Max movie? Tickled to nominated-state because Mel Gibson didn't even make a cameo? There hasn't been this big a surprise since Marisa Tomei was nominated for My Cousin Vinny (and, well, see below...of course that was before Jennifer who was before Alicia...)
I'm much more supportive, here, than in the writing category because, well, plagiarism. Highly entertaining movie. Don't get why Matt Damon was considered a comedic actor. If that's the case, then Tom Hardy should be nominated for a comedy award, too. No win, though -- too soon since Sandra Bullock was stranded in space. Now if THIS guy made a cameo...
I'm a sucker for a Cold War story. Even have a piece of the Berlin Wall in my room (thanks, Michael). Maybe it was an easier-to-understand world. We had all of our facts wrong and miscalculated all over the place, but it made for sound bites you could consume (or, I was 12...one of those). Good movie, great props to Mark Rylance (also funnier than Damon in Martian Farmer), but no awards.
Tough movie for a different reason. I used to make the standard "hey, I was an altar boy and had breakfast with the Father at the rectory every morning. What, I was too chubby for him?" joke all the time. This is a reminder that this particular joke isn't funny. Too far-reaching a scandal, too disappointing a cover-up, too late to fix it. Hoping for a win or two here (and Ruffalo was incredible).
Another upsetting (albeit for a very different reason) movie. Challenging to root for because you have a great guy (Steve Carrell) opposite a completely typical Hollywood asshole (Christian Bale). But separating the work from the man (as we so often have to do), both were amazing (and Ryan Gosling could easily have been nominated, too -- also funnier than Damon in Martian Dirt Farmer. Come to think of it, two of our three kids are also funnier than Damon in God's Green Gravity Earth...I mean Mars). This should win. But I think some of the old white men voting think the bear is real and will know if they voted for him or not. HEY, OLD MEN: THAT'S THE GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY YOU'RE THINKING OF. NOT THE CGI BEAR. VOTE FOR...oh, crap, they aren't listening. It's Viagra time.
Hey! A movie with just a story about people. Believable people who you root for (and against). A plot without a killer twist or special effect or nested dream sequences. No wins (except maybe Saorise) but so glad to see Hollywood producing this kind of stuff again.
Acting
Some great performances this year. Here are our choices:
Best Actress
Jennifer Lawrence did not deserve a nomination here (sorry, sweetheart...but I haven't felt the same about you since American Hustle. No it does NOT have anything to do with Alicia Vikander. Well, not...NO. Nothing to do with her.) Saorise Ronan was brilliant and sympathetic in Brooklyn. She'll be back for statues in the future. This year, Brie Larson wins for Room. You believed her in a very tough role. Brie wins (and I get points for passing on the very obvious cheese jokes).
Best Actor
Cranston and Redmayne both had roles that could've gotten them an Oscar, but they phoned in their performances (and I'm a fan of both). They'll rebound. But Redmayne probably thought he had a lock with an historic role about possibly the first transgendered person. As Bob Ueuker used to say, "Swiiing...and a miss."
I was most impressed with Fassbender as Steve Jobs. We all know the character very well and fully expected the "genius, but an asshole" approach. But Fassbender gave him real depth. I wish he would win, but Alejandro Inarittu decided to treat Leonardo DiCaprio like shit for 4 months so he'd get his first-ever statue. Leo was good, but Tom Hardy way overshadowed his acting in Revenant. And it's hard to root for anything associated with Inarittu as he allegedly makes Christian Bale look like Mother Theresa. Leo wins, but I'm not happy about it. .
Best Supporting Actress.
Vikander and McAdams both gave great performances in their respective films, but Winslet was awesome (and, again, not a personal fan). We didn't even know it was her for the first few minutes of her scenes! This one's a lock.
Best Supporting Actor
THE most competitive category this year. All 4 of the losers (Hardy, Rylance, Ruffalo, Bale) would win in any other year. They were all magnificent and in all 4 cases, overshadowed the actual stars of their films. But the sentimental choice will be Sylvester Stallone for Rocky Balboa in Creed. It's a shame his award will be a little tainted by the lack of nominations of black people (including Michael B. Jordan as Apollo's son, Adonis) but Sly deserves it. He was actually great!
And, still my favorite awards show moment of all-time. This is one white person we want to keep around...and around:
