Homemade Condiments

May 28, 2010

Why, you ask? Why not, the fat man smarmily retorts (or is it "smarmishly"? Perhaps "the smarmy, fat man"...yeah, that's what I am.)

We ran out of ketchup. That most basic of Reagan-era vegetables that our kids are once again permitted to consume now that we've found one without high fructose corn cyanide.

It shouldn't be a family crisis, but we have three children. Those of you who were also stupid enough to venture beyond the recommended 1.6 children know what this means -- one of them must be a fuss pot. In our case, it's the middle girl
and, in her case, she's a giant fuss pot. She orders her food in restaurants as "clean" (i.e., without sauces or garnishes of any kind). She likes blueberries and she likes pancakes but she won't even consider blueberry pancakes. The piece of resistance -- she's a girl and she despises chocolate. This is a foreign to me as the infield at a Nascar event.

Knowing all of this background, my wife is furious that I would go shopping and miss replenishing such a basic staple.

"I'm sorry, I forgot"

"You remembered to BREATHE didn't you? You can remember THAT! Selfish."

I'm in it deep. As in a pit. Hopping in the car and running to Kings (as in "priced to sell to royalty") doesn't get me out of this hole and more affordable Shop Rite is 7 miles each way. I'm seconds away from getting the hose again, even if I DO rub the lotion on my skin.
Creativity is my only salvation. I've already been making our own mayonnaise with great success (except that it's awfully tempting while it's in there -- my new blog handle might be Mr. Creosote), so why not ketchup?

The proper way to do this is to simmer and puree fresh tomatoes, but this requires time. I claim that the real Jersey tomatoes (Ramapos or Rutgers) with the acidity/sugar ratio at 0.3%/3% or better are not available now, so I'll use cans of tomato paste from the pantry. This is, of course, laziness in a bullshit wrapper, but Contadina it is.

So What of Ketchup?

Ketchup (from the Malay word kecap) started as a fish sauce. In fact, we wouldn't even recognize it. It would've been dark, much more savory and have no hint of sweetness (the typical sugar/vinegar balance we have come to think of as central to ketchup didn't evolve until the 19th century). Original ancestors of our beloved red thickness would have been made with mushrooms and walnuts. In our country's culinary calamity, however, it would become overly sweet and loaded with chemicals. It caused Hal Boyle, a war correspondent, to write in 1951, "This country is held together by a democratic constitution and a cement paste called ketchup."

Some weird facts about ketchup:

• Nixon put it on cottage cheese (and we elected this guy president twice?!? Sheesh!)
• Ketchup was proscribed as medicine in the 1830s
• Heinz produced dyed ketchups in the early 'naughts, in such unappetizing hues as green, blue and purple. Predictably, and to the chagrin of the producers of carcinogen Blue Dye #83, it was pulled from the market after a brief, colorful stint.
  
• The Republicans were so worried about John Kerry's connection to Heinz ketchup that they launched their own brand called "W Ketchup". You can't make this sh#@ up.
• In the chariot race scene in Ben Hur, a small red car is visible in the background.*

The Recipe:

4 cans Tomato Paste

1 Tbsp Onion Powder

1 Tbsp Garlic Powder

1 Tsp Ground Cinnamon

1/4 Tsp Ground Allspice

1/4 Tsp Ground Cloves

1 Tsp Celery Seeds

1/2 Cup Brown Sugar

1/2 Cup Red Wine Vinegar

Salt to taste

Combine all ingredients and refrigerate over night. Correct seasonings, serve and accept compliments.

Mayonnaise

Nouvelle cuisine was supposed to be the death knell for white sauces like mayo. Henri Gault and Christian Millau wrote the Ten Commandments of Nouvelle Cuisine in 1976. Number 7? "Thou shalt eliminate white and brown sauces". But mayonnaise has the benefit of being absolutely delicious on its own and the basis for hundreds of other sauces (aioli, remoulade,sauce verde, rouille, anyone?) I may be part Belgian as I prefer my fries dipped in mayo to ketchup (and, yes, I am never more than 5 miles from a cardiologist).

Mayonnaise Trivia:

• Jennifer Aniston's favorite meal is mayonnaise on white bread. No wonder she's permanently single.
• In Japan, a pizza topping of squid, bacon, potatoes and mayonnaise is very popular.
• Mayonnaise is the only effective way to get crayon marks off wood furniture.
• The spelling 'mayonnaise' is the result of a printing error in an 1841 cookbook (the original name was 'mahonnaise'.
• No one knows the true origin of mayonnaise
• It is the oldest of the five "mother" sauces in French cooking (along with bechamel)

Once you've had homemade mayonnaise, however, you will shun the jarred stuff.

The Recipe:

2 Egg Yolks

1 Tbsp Dijon Mustard

1 3/4 Cups Soybean Oil

1 Tbsp White Wine Vinegar

Salt and Pepper to taste

Whisk yolks together with mustard, salt and pepper.

Whisk in a droplet or two at a time until you've blended in 1/2 cup of the oil.

Drizzle (slowly) the remaining 1 1/4 cups of oil, whisking constantly.

After all oil has been absorbed, whisk in vinegar.

The Keys:

• Patience: it can take as long as 2o minutes to make two cups of mayo
• Strong wrists: Master of My Domain jokes, anyone?
• Room Temperature: bring all ingredients to room temp before starting

So a couple of things will happen when you switch to homemade condiments. First, you'll be shunned by society. Accept this price. You're reading this blog, so you're already a little off-center. Reactions to our homemade ketchup have ranged from "he has too much time on his hands" to "who does that?!?" Get them to eat it, however, and you'll get a little feeling that must've been what motivated people like Bocuse and Beard and Brillat-Savarin. Second, you'll become a snob about the most casual of foods. Embrace it. No one likes a snob, but everyone likes being a snob.

Memorial Day rolls around and I wanted to bring something different, in addition to the de rigueur bottle of wine. We bring the mayo and the ketchup to Chris and Tara's house. Chris' dad is in the "time" criticism camp, but he does enjoy the condiments as everyone seems to. Mission accomplished. Except:

...I still wind up losing and Little Fuss Pot still winds up teary-eyed. When she realizes I've given the homemade ketchup to our friends, she weeps "My ketchup! Gone, as mysteriously as it came."

* - True, this has nothing to do with condiments. But I stumbled across this stupid fact while researching this post and the next time I watch Ben Hur, I will be completely distracted looking for the red car. Now you will, too.

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