Sunday, March 02, 2014

An Exciting Oscar Year...Which Ellen Will Ruin

Oscar Caps a Big Year 


There's a massive drought in California.  This is a metaphor for...I dunno...God's unhappiness with the Hollywood Heathens.  She is clearly fed up with them, so she cut off their water.  That explains the plethora of good looking people; the perpetuation of perfect weather; and a lot of alliteration for a Left Coast location.  California is also the nation's most populous state, it's largest economy and produces the most turkeys (and not just the ones directed by Steven Brill!)

This year's Oscars expose a bunch of things wrong with our society -- not things that demand the end of the species, but certainly enough for God to turn off the water:
And, most egregiously of all:

Best Original Screenplay 


As I've said previously, this is where the "sleeper" films come from.  This sleepiness affects your writing as well, so back off, grammar police.

  • American Hustle
    • Clever, but clearly a rip-off of Argo.  Not that I'm complaining -- my kids are listening to music that flashes me back to my cream-colored leisure suit and vinyl roofed Oldsmobuick with opera windows, so I'm in a happy, Disco Stu-friendly place.
  • Dallas Buyers Club
    • Donna's a big fan of true stories.  This one is moving without being depressing.
  • Nebraska
    • We laughed so hard we woke the kids**.  Our pick.
  • Her
    • VERY clever story.  The juxtaposition of a guy whose job is writing letters for other people against his love for an operating system is brilliant.  The technology component is distracting only because Donna asked if the next version of this movie would feature "OS/2" -- I spent 10 minutes of the movie trying to think of an IBM operating system joke that a non-geek from the '80s would get.  Fail.
  • Blue Jasmine
    • I am still willing to admit being a Woody Allen fan, despite realizing that all of our anxiety about Michael Jackson and children should have been applied to this creep.  Clever plot (and the usual brilliant dialog) obscured by a performance that genuinely makes you hate Cate Blanchett's character.
**-No, we did NOT have them sleeping in the back of the theater.  They were sleeping in the car in the parking lot.  We were really yukking it up.

Best Adapted Screenplay

"Adapted", in the way that I "adapted" Rodney Dangerfield's jokes for the last 30 years.
  • 12 Years a Slave
    • The acting was outstanding but the plot was completely predictable.  Give me Django Unchained.  
  • The Wolf of Wall Street
    • I was working for a Wall Street firm in the '80s (albeit in a support function...meaning there was absolutely no support for the IT guys having this much fun, let alone making a lot of money), so I know a lot of this stuff went on, but this is too aggrandized for my "how dare you leave me out of this kind of multi-year party" bitterness.    
  • Captain Phillips
    • Now I have to go watch the documentary made by a "real" Somalian pirate to hear his side of the story.  Who has this much time for pirates that aren't audioanimatronic?  
  • Before Midnight
    • I suppose it would be best to actually see a movie before rendering an opinion on it.  Screw that.  It's a dumb title.  I'm thinking of Eric Clapton playing in Thelonius Monk's band and bad things happening.
  • Philomena
    • Another true story, and one that hit home for us (besides having adopted a son...and worrying about stories of black market children from places like Guatemala...I was adopted in 1962 with, apparently, some involvement from Catholic Charities).  Our pick.

Best Picture 

  • Her
    •  Clever.  But we both found the giant face-scenes to be too much and too long.  Donna thought the entire thing was too long (a phrase she only ever utters to me when in a movie theater).  
  • Nebraska
    • This was original, well acted, beautifully shot and released in the wrong year.  Sorry, Mssrs. Payne, Nelson and Dern.  You're all going home empty handed.  
  • Gravity
    • Loved this movie, not just because of the 3D and not just because they took the idea of Sigourney Weaver in panties in space and made it into a whole movie.  It was edge-of-the-seat tense and surprisingly twisty-turny for a basic "stuck in space" plot.  But the implausible guy-riding-the-rubble of the World Trade Center ending was a distraction.  Let me know when the next Sandra In Panties flick is released.  Until then, no statue.
  • Philomena
    • Our personal choice, though we know it has no chance.  And not just because of Steve Coogan's stiff acting.  Touching and worth a view if you haven't seen it (and, apparently, many have not).
  • The Wolf of Wall Street
    • Huge Scorsese fan.  So many naked chicks that George R.R. Martin blushed.  Even remember the yacht moored in front of the World Financial Center with the helicopter on top.  But so much of this was a rip-off of Goodfellas (the bad guy walking and talking into the camera; the pop-music vignettes; the drugs) that I found it distracting.  Donna was disturbed for another reason...she was suddenly suspicious of my Wall Street career.  Until she remembered I don't have any money.  Or great party stories.
  • Captain Phillips
    • A little too over-the-top when 5 billion dollar Navy ships surround and take out a lifeboat.  But tense, well acted and gripping drama.
  • Dallas Buyers Club
    • Once you get beyond "holy crap, that's Matthew McConaughey?!?", a really well-written and acted story.  Reminds you how badly we all acted not too long ago.
  • American Hustle
    • Great cast and performances.  Only the 15th movie of all-time to have all four acting nominations.  The problem is that all of them (Coming Home; Network; For Whom the Bell Tolls; Streetcar Named Desire; Sunset Boulevard; etc.) are better than this.  And so is the last movie directed by David O. Sullivan, featuring Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper -- SLP.  
And, our choice:
  • 12 Years a Slave
    • Our expectations were possibly set too high.  We both enjoyed this, but found the acting to be the only really compelling thing.  The plot was predictable and the bad guys just too dyed-in-the-wool evil to be interesting (forgive me, fellow white-guilters...I am not passing judgement in favor of slavery.  I am withholding judgement in favor of this being an all-time-great movie.) This will win because people believe they are supposed to vote for it.  

Acting


Some great performances this year.  Here are our choices:

Best Actress

Everyone is talking about Cate Blanchett's performance in BJ (give me a minute...ok.  My adolescent moment is over), but I hated her character.  I get that this indicates good acting, but I found it distracting.  I rooted against her, so I'm rooting against Cate.  Forgive me.

We like Judi Dench.  And not just because we laugh at everything Maggie Smith says in Downton Abbey.  She was genuine, in a way that you wish you knew this character in real life.

Best Actor

We really think Bruce Dern should win, but he won't.  When Chiwetel Ejiofor was getting whipped, we were getting whipped.  You saw his anguish, not in the obvious physical pain, but in the deep, deep loss of his family.  This is a lock.

Best Supporting Actress.

We haven't seen anything as funny as June Squibb in Nebraska in a long time.  But Jennifer Lawrence needs to win so we can bet on how many steps she'll take before falling.

Best Supporting Actor

We think is should be Jared Leto.  Not just because he really looked like a dragster.  He was funny, scathing and pained when needed.  But Hill, Fassbender or Abdi could easily win here.  The most balanced of categories.

And, on the flip side, we can't wait for the unbalanced.  Please, Hollywooders:  drink up.  Drug up.  Do whatever you need to do to let your inner self out.  What we're really looking for is something like this:


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