Janus Was a Two-Faced Jerk -- Thoughts on the New Year

Happy New Year!  I have never suffered from any holiday or year-end related malaise, but I do encounter some confusion this time of year.  Example:  every reference to the "ball" mentions its weight (this year's version:  11,875 pounds).  Who looks up and asks "wonder what that thing weighs"?  Perhaps it's an American diversion from our own collective obesity.  Having just now thought of it, that works for me.  I gained weight over the holidays, to be sure, but no one's thinking of lighting up "2013" at my feet....yet......better put away these chips.  


The larger questions about the "ball drop" that trouble me are related to its origins.  It was originally designed to publicize the New York Times and the newly renamed area around their headquarters, Times Square.  Publisher Adolph Ochs arranged for a fireworks display at midnight on January 1, 1905.  This raises two important issues:  1) Does Fox News cover the ball drop or do they stick to their principles when it comes to the liberal media?  and 2) Who thought a lit ball slowly descending for a minute on the top of a 47 story building was preferable to fireworks?!?


I am fascinated by the madness of purely man-made events that the universe are oblivious to but yet seem so monumental to us.  The Babylonians are believed to have first celebrated a "new year" event on March 23rd in the 20th century BCE, however they had no written calendar.  Very much like the Thermos that keeps hot food hot and cold food cold, I have to ask -- how did they know?  Perhaps they had an app to tell them when it was March 23rd. 


Auld Lang Syne is the traditional song.  Virtually everyone knows this song and can sing at least a chorus of it, but virtually no one knows what it means.  It originated, in a non-virtual fashion, in Hogmanay, Scotland (seriously, "Hogmanay"?!?  Why does everything and every place in Scotland bring to mind haggis?!?)

But we don't have the tartanned residents of Manypig...Pighogman...Spider Pig, or whatever it is...to thank for being saddled with Auld Lang Syne for all of these years.  It was Guy de Lombard who started this unwelcome tradition in 1929 at the Roosevelt Hotel and taunts us a second time from the grave with a reprise we cannot avoid.  Fechez le vache.  The one interesting thing about Hogmanay is that they have a tradition of visiting their neighbors after midnight on New Year's and it is considered good luck if the first visitor through your door is a tall, dark and handsome man.  A tradition no doubt started by the frustrated housewives of Hogmanay.

The song refers to old times and friends and is a reminiscence.  What it means is that it takes a cup (or two or three) of "kindness" -- a Scottish euphemism for booze, apparently -- to suffer through this dirge.  Maybe the words need to become euphemisms themselves to kill this thing:


What's your name?
Syne.
What's your first name?    

Auld.

What's your middle name?

Lang.

If you're like me, you dutifully sing it every year.  And, if you're frighteningly like me, you think of that kid from Poseidon Adventure who looks like Billy Mumy signing it just before the boat flips over and Shelly Winters crushes him and his hot sister.  At Midnight.  On New Year's.  As my six-year-old would sing ominously:  donn donn donnnnn!!!
I also heard New Year's referred to as the "only global holiday" by the commanist media.  Except for China.  And practicing Jews.  And Islamic countries.  That's only a little more than most of the world.  Meh.  Traditions elsewhere that raise questions for me:

Oshogatsu (Japan)

In December, various Bonenkai or "forget-the-year parties" are held to bid farewell to the problems of the past year.  In New Jersey, Bonenkai is served neat or on the rocks.  At midnight on Dec. 31, Buddhist temples strike their gongs 108 times, in a effort to expel 108 types of human weakness. At least one of those 108 has to be the obsession with mallets and shiny garbage can lids.  

Spain

The Spanish eat twelve grapes at midnight. The tradition is meant to secure twelve happy months in the coming year.  Peruvians do the same, but eat a 13th grape for good luck.  That worked well for the Incas.

Greece

In Greece, New Year's day is also the Festival of St. Basil, one of the founders of the Greek Orthodox Church and the margherita pizza. One of the traditional foods served is Vassilopitta, or St Basil's cake. A silver or gold coin is baked inside the cake. Whoever finds the coin in their piece of cake will be especially lucky during the coming year, assuming they don't suffer from Vassilopittasphyxiation.  

China

Noisemaking and fireworks on New Year's eve is believed to have originated in ancient times, when noise and fire were thought to dispel evil spirits.  I am in love with the irony that some of us ingest gallons of evil spirits while others try to blow them up.  Seems like balance that would keep both sides of Janus happy.

Happy New Year.  Feliz Ano Nuevo.  Shanah Tovah.  Szczesliwego Nowego Roku.  Merry Festivus.  Fechez le Vache.  Long Duk Dong.  And peace to you all.